Monday, April 19, 2010



I'll swear, I don't know how this happened.  The Mrs. grew a fabulous vegetable garden for several years.  Then about 3 or 4 years ago, squirrels began to ravage the fruit of her labor.

Now understand that squirrels are nothing new around here.

We have three huge pecan trees at Andy's Place.  We also have two Live Oak trees that bear acorns.  As a side note, I read the other day that Oak trees do not bear acorns until they are about 50 years old.  I don't know if that's true or not...just thought I'd tell y'all...and ours are way older than 50, btw.

Regardless, Andy's Place is just full of nuts.  Therefore, we have WAY MORE than our fair share of tree rats 'round these parts.  And, they have never been a problem destroying The Mrs.' garden until the last few Summers.  Seriously, those little monsters strip every squash, zucchini, and 'mater from the vines...just as soon as they appear!  They leave the peppers, okra, and eggplant alone...but about half of the good stuff gets robbed before it ever makes the table at Andy's Place.

The Mrs. has decided that THIS MUST END!!!

In the past couple of Summers, we have tried commercially offered "squirrel repellents," some homemade recipes for Cayenne Pepper spray, and the old-timey pie tins hanging around the garden to inhibit the little bastards.  Yet, nothing has worked.

The Mrs. has gotten some good suggestions from friends as to how to attack it this year.  "Human hair" seems to be a popular suggestion.  It seems that if you ring your plants with human hair, it will discourage them.  The Mrs. has already made a deal with the Thai lady that cuts our her hair to come and sweep up the shop.

She's also been told that a mixture of oatmeal and plaster of paris is quite tempting to the long-tailed miscreants.  Supposedly, they will devour it, and after drinking a little water, the plaster of paris will harden in their miserable, worthless guts and kill them.  (That one is on the "To Do" list).

But, my Daddy (who loves The Mrs. almost as much as I do) brought her a little surprise the other day.

"The" HAVAHART Squirrel Trap

(batteries, and rodent not included)

So, we set the thing right next to the garden, baited it with some pecans...and BAM!  Success!!!  Don't he look cute?

Daddy uses this out at his place in the country.  When he catches one of the miserable rats, he just dunks the whole trap down in a big pool of water until the little bastard drowns.  Then he throws it down the hill for the foxes, and hawks to devour...ya know, like recycling or something...

But, so as not to further mentally disturb our PETArded fellow neighbors here, we have decided to take our captives out to the boat launch at the A.R. Teague Parkway here in Bossier, and set them free.  (There ain't a vegetable garden out there that they can destroy, and bug the living crap out of the gardener.)

Now, just making a rough estimate, I figure that we have approximately 144,000 squirrels living at, and around Andy's Place.  So, we're probably gonna have to make several trips...surely increasing our carbon footprint to massive levels!  But, I'm hoping it'll be worth the personal trouble, and the obviously damaging environmental impact.

If y'all have any more good ideas how to either kill, or discourage, or trap squirrels, please let me know.  The Mrs. is serious about this.  She's sick and dadgummed tired of workin' so hard just to feed the rats.

So, we've had "The" HAVAHART trap out for two days now.

I figured I'd keep a tally.  We will keep score, and I'll keep y'all updated.  As of now...

Only 143,998 to go...


  1. I made the mistake of trying to have a nice lawn a few years back. IN MISSISSIPPI! The roof rabbits destroyed it by digging like moles. The live traps were so much fun when done your daddy's way in a plastic garbage can.

    Now, I just wish I could find something that works for moles.

  2. I have this old Walther air rifle. 'Bout as powerful as a .22 short. Will reliably mess up a squirrel or a woodpecker out to about 15 yds (or further if I get lucky) and quieter than clapping your hands.

  3. You're gonna be making a lot of trips. My brother-in-law did that in North Bossier for a couple of years, he would take the squirrels that were stupid enough to get caught 'for a ride'. Actually, he took them up Old Brownlee Road and released them to nature. By the time he got home, about 5 had replaced him.
    Unless you're ready to get Bill Murray Caddyshack serious about this they will beat you.
    The little suckers have victimized me for years.

  4. AKA squirrels R funApril 19, 2010 at 8:08 PM

    There are other solutions ;)

  5. When we first moved to the farm we had more than 144,000 squirrels and another one million chipmunks - but we didn't have fruit trees yet and they were so damned cute.

    Then we got chickens and the damn varmints got into the chicken-feed, chewing through sacks and making a mess.

    So then we got a cat who lives in the barn and has killed all of our squirrels and most of the chipmunks. She also is a good rat killer.

    I'm not a real cat-lover but she's the best cat I have ever had and I think that's because she is not allowed in the house. She's a barn cat and the happiest and most un-neurotic cat I've ever known.

    I recommend a hungry killer cat. If you don't have a barn, let her live in the garage. The best killers are fixed females. Tom-cats are lousy killers - too lazy and off tom-catting at the first whiff of pussy.

  6. Hm, maybe a cat's the best answer.We had a"fixed" female cat a few years ago, and when we'd take it down to our cabin in Washington she'd kill all the squirrels in the place.

    We were advised to leave her at home as the folks there thought they were cute.

    A good powerful pellet gun,some of those pump-up models will throw a slug at over 1000 FPS, might do the trick,too. Plus,it's FUN shooting squirrels!

    Don Morris

  7. Your poll is now 100% for the Slaughter Method.

  8. Just thinking what would be fun...

    Can a body figure a way to feed them through a pitching machine right up against a brick wall?

  9. I'm voting for the pellet gun method. The only problem would be in hitting Katie the wonder dog. Her mission in life (besides swimming in her in-ground pool that I have to maintain and am allowed to swim with her sometimes!) is to rid our 1 acre yard of the evil squirrel menace. She hasn't got it in her head that she's never going to catch one, let alone what to do with it once she does! If she would leave the cats alone, I think the cats would take care of our problem. Only thing is my wife and daughter think that they're cute. I want to try them in gravy!
    Paul M, I've got a cure for your moles. It involves gasoline, road flares and their tunnels. Works every time! Let me know if you're interested.

  10. Andy, I have a solution to your problem. It's going to require some sacrifices and probably some jail time, but when you get serious about your squirrel problem, this is what you'll do.

  11. I vote for the cat and pellet gun solutions.

    Apropos of nothing... I once had a mixed breed terrier that was Hell On Wheels in the varmint department and the only dog I've ever seen who could run down a squirrel and kill it. She was only successful in about one out of every 20 attempts but she NEVER gave up the hunt. And she was a sweetheart, too.

  12. Paul, I did actually stick a garden hose down the tunnel and dug one up once, but that was a lot of work. I decided to let them take over, really.

    Andy, aside from Rosalind Garney's comment, which I cannot read, your poll is STILL 100% for the Slaughter Method. Cowboy up.

  13. Go down the street and build some midnight basketball courts. It seems to have worked wonders cleaning up the vermin that inhabit Toronto.

    Just make them someone elses problem.

  14. Um, Paul -- gotta warn you. Squirrel is a little too gamey and greasy, even in good gravy. Sadly, I can attest to this fact personally. Plus, I'd never even consider chowing deown on an "urban" squirrel -- they're too much like real rats with furless tails. Ewww.

    Dispatch them as you wish -- I won't tell AlGore that your carbon footprint is growing exponentially!


Don't cuss nobody out, okay?