"Home" for Christmas...

I will wish you each and every one a Merry Christmas on this day. I started to write a post for Christmas, and decided to look back at what I had written last Christmas.

I think I said it pretty well last year. A couple of facts are different this Dec. 25. Three of my sons, and one daughter-in-law, and a daughter-in-law to be are here this year. The young man that lives with us (he's been here 3 years now) has gone to Virginia for Christmas to be with friends. But that's about all that is different.

I still feel the same way about being "home" for Christmas.

Y'all have a blessed one. I love you each and every one...even Mr. Anonymous that calls me ugly names, and the chink that leaves spam about viagra. I mean it.

Christmas Week...Don't sound like a bad idear at all!

"Let's be naughty...and save Santa the trip!"

- Gary Allan

So, just how bad IS the Pac-10?

I have been trying to actually put thoughts to words about the last two nights of college football. But, I am truly stumped.

The morons at ESPN are so stupid that it must take them two hours to watch Sixty Minutes. They probably think a Quarterback is a refund. I read an article on their site discussing BYU & Utah's thumping of Oregon State, and Cal (which I will not link to). I would bet that this bozo watches The Three Stooges, just to take notes.

Let me give you a quote: The Pac-10, thought by many to be the nation's best conference -- top-to-bottom -- this season, certainly hasn't looked the part while starting the bowl season 0-2.

Please! Is there anyone with half of a brain that thought the Pac-10 was worth a bucket of warm spit this season...or maybe even the last decade...or two?

As the bowl season unfolds, we will likely find out just how BAD the Pac-10 is, and this moron at ESPN's "surprise" at their weakness may finally match up with what the rest of the thinking world already knows.

Moron...

Christmas Week...Serious business!

"If you kids don't shut up and go to sleep, I'm taking back EVERY present under that damn tree!"

- Your Momma

Hero goes to Heaven...

Col. Robert L. Howard

Col. Robert L. Howard, considered to be the most decorated US soldier has died in Waco, TX. after losing a battle with pancreatic cancer. He was 70.

Go read about this man.

Christmas Week...HO! HO! HO!

Well, C. Everett Koop would say "NO! NO! NO!"

"I'm sending Chesterfields to all my friends..."

- Ronald Wilson Reagan

Heh! At least there is no unpleasant after-taste.

Christmas Week...Don't blow your bonus!

"What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day."

- Phyllis Diller

Straight No Chaser...

It's that time of the year again. No matter how often I see this, I always get a kick out of it.

"Glydo" is cool.

My friend Two Dogs the Mean ol' Meany, Paul Mitchell turned me on to Glydo. He said it was awesome. It is a Firefox plug-in that grabs web content related to what you're reading (related stories, videos, tweets, etc.), and displays links to them on demand.

I installed it this morning, and so far, I concur! It's cool...

Christmas Week...Don't Start Too Early!

"Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven."

- W. C. Fields

Christmas Week...Wednesday junk

Once upon a time (way, way back...but not really...) there was this guy named Andy. And, he decided to make an offer to everyone who has access to the world-wide computer.

It went like this:

Okay, I will give anybody an airplane ticket (round trip), a two night's stay at the 'Horseshoe Casino and Hotel' in Bossier City, a limo ride to my house (and anywhere else you'd like to go beforehand), and THREE WHOLE DOLLARS (American) if you will just show up here and blow my brains out.

I'll provide the .45 to accomplish it. It is registered to me, so it can't be traced back to you. You can just jump back in the limo...head back to the SHV Airport, and wing your way back home. You will get back home for Christmas before my lifeless (happy) body is reported to the Po-leese.

Trust me, you will! Trust me.

You can even take a roll of The Mrs. world famous cheese log, seeing as they'll have some extra with me dead.

I had showed y'all my Angel Trumpet...but now it looks like this.

Have I mentioned before that I hate cold weather?

I started to prune the ugly thing at the ground, but The Mrs. was like "NO...NO...NO...it didn't come back out tall and pretty this year, because you cut it down way too early last winter. You've got to let all the sap run back into the ground before you cut it. Moron!" So, I'll have to keep looking at that ugly thing for a while.

Now, this is cool! Talk about a Christmas block party! A group of neighbors in Murietta, California decided to put on a Christmas light presentation. I'm thinking that at least one of those neighbors on Bainbridge Circle has some expertise in this kind of junk.





My #3 son's future mother-in-law is coming in today from Tennessee to spend Christmas with her daughter (and us). I like her a lot. She and The Mrs. get along well. I think #3 son is a little nervous, because it's been several years since he's seen her, and he was just in Junior High Middle School. But, it will be fine. She loves her daughter, and if her daughter loves Phil, so will Mom.

Well, y'all have a good Wednesday! I love y'all! I really do.

Christmas Week...True!

"The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband. "

- Joan Rivers

Stonehenge

Well, kinda...

Buck wrote a post about the Winter Solstice, and mentioned Stonehenge. It reminded me of this video. I have posted it before, but you may have never seen it. Some retired guy in Michigan thinks he's figured out how it was built.

It's interesting.

Christmas Week...Bad Santa! Bad! Bad! Bad!

"I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph."

- Shirley Temple

Penn State "Marketing" grad opens strip club in State College...

Well, I reckon at least the old boy knows his clientele.

Probably hired 3 cheerleaders...

It's good to be loved...

I got a touching computer letter from a dear friend today, and it truly made my glasses fog up. In fact, I'm still having trouble with my vision.

Since I love y'all so much, I thought I'd share the love.

"I Thought Of You..."

WHEN I ASKED MYSELF WHO MIGHT

NEED AN ANGEL TODAY, I THOUGHT

OF YOU!!!

A friend had this angel, and didn't want her, so he sent her to me.

I don't want her, so I'm sending her to you!

The rules are simple: You can send her anywhere, but you can't send her back!!!

As we head toward elections in 2010...

We can be sure that the Democrats are not going to be happy to just screw us ALL over with health care "deform."

They will soon be coming with "amnesty" for illegals!

Just think...in 2010, this guy could cancel out Two Dogs' Paul's vote.

My friends, we are in dookie deep...

Christmas Week...My, how things have changed!

"Through Jesus Christ the world will yet be a better and a fairer place. This faith sustains us today as it has sustained mankind for centuries past. This is why the Christmas story, with the bright stars shining and the angels singing, moves us to wonder and stirs our hearts to praise. Now, my fellow countrymen, I wish for all of you a Christmas filled with the joy of the Holy Spirit, and many years of future happiness with the peace of God reigning upon this earth."

- Harry S. Truman

Heh! Here, take mine! I'm not using it!

NFL to Ask Players To Donate Brains For Study...

Maybe the NCAA should ask the BCS geniuses to donate theirs, too!

Just thought I'd screw with your head...

Whoever put that together can't spell worth a darn, but it is weird.

How about another one...


No, the picture is not moving. Just stare at one spot, and you'll see.

Here's a picture I stole from somebody. I don't remember who, but it was probably you. So, thanks!



I think it might be a young Chuck Norris. Not sure...

Oh, I remember now. It was Buck I stole it from. Thanks Buck! The rest of y'all can consider yourselves "un-thanked" now.

If you didn't figure it out already, I'm bored...and, enjoying it. It's nice to be bored for a change. Christmas hubbub, BAD! Bored, GOOD! Words to live by, my friends...words of truth!

But, it sounds like the world is waking up around Andy's Place, so "bored" is over with for the day. Y'all have a great Sunday! Do a good deed. And, don't punch somebody right square in the nose, or nothing...

I had forgot to tell y'all about Friday night...

I woke up on Saturday morning, and my gut felt like I had been beaten severely with rebar for several hours, due to the fact that I had laughed so hard on Friday night.

The whole family went on Friday night (even The Mrs. In-Law) to see the Tim Hawkins Holiday Show. The guy is stinkin' hilarious! And, I can say without a doubt that this was the most fun I have had throughout this season of "joy."

For an hour and 45 minutes, the sold-out auditorium erupted in continual laughter. His comedy is off-beat, clean, and so very "familiar" to us 40-50 somethings. But, that didn't stop even the young kids, teenagers, twenty-thirty somethings, and even the old folks from snot-inducing laughter. He had something for EVERYBODY.

He's a good guitarist, too, and does a lot of song parodies...and hilarious original songs. His show is extremely high energy. If he is ever performing anywhere near you, and you just want to go have some good, clean (the most potty-mouth word he used was "fart") fun...take advantage of the opportunity. You won't be sorry. Trust me.

After an hour and a half or so of side-splitting comedy, he ended the show with this number. Check out some of his other videos on The YouTube...they'll make you giggle.

I think Walt is giving me strange dreams...

No, that's not Walt. Trust me, I know him, and it's not him. Walt sent me this picture. It's a turtle dressed up like a hamburger. Or, a hamburger disguised as a turtle. Not sure which...but I think it's giving me odd dreams.

I dream a lot. I don't usually remember my dreams, so I guess I'm not sure whether I dream a lot or not. Just sayin'...

But, I had three dreams last night that I distinctly remember. And, one of them was really odd. Perhaps y'all can analyze it for me, and tell me just how screwed up I am.

I dreamed that I was murdering somebody. I had my hands wrapped around their throat, and was squeezing the life out of them. I could see the sheer terror in their eyes, and then nothing...lifeless. Now, that's not the really odd dream, because there is a distinct likelihood that this is going to happen. Soon.

In the second dream that I remember, I was trying to get upstairs to my garage apartment. I have an apartment above my detached garage. We've never rented it out to anyone, but one or two of the boys lived up there at various times when they were teenagers, and all still at home. It was nice for them, and for us...if you know what I mean.

There is a very substantial steel stairway leading up to it, with a welded rail around the landing. But, for some reason, I got out my extension ladder and extended it up to the landing from the side. I climbed the ladder, and when I got to the landing, I was afraid to grab the rail, and leap over on to it from the extension ladder. So, I came back down the ladder, moved it, and just laid it down on the stairs. Then, I climbed the ladder as it lay on the stairs all the way up to the landing. Success!

But that's not the really odd dream. No, I dreamed that I was getting married to The Mrs. again. We weren't youngsters...no, we were our current age. I don't know if she had finally divorced me, and I had come crawling, begging her to take me back, or what. The dream didn't say.

But, we were planning a wedding. And, I don't think it was one of those "renewal of your vows" deals, either. Then again...the dream didn't say. The wedding was going to be held at a little church out in the country. Now, this is odd, because we don't go to a little church in the country...and her Momma doesn't, and my Momma & Daddy don't really either. (at least not to this particular little church)

And, everybody was here at Andy's Place...all the kids had made it home for the big wedding. So, about an hour before the wedding, my oldest son calls me and says, "Dad, I'm out here at the church, and we've got a big problem. There are turtles everywhere. I mean, everywhere! They're all over the parking lot, and walking down the aisle, and up in the choir loft. They're just streaming up out of this little bayou that runs by the church, and taking over the whole place."

Just as a side note, we have a lot of turtles in Louisiana. Especially when you get down in central & south Louisiana, they are everywhere. You'll be driving down the highway, and here they come...moseyin' across the road at a turtle's pace. And, you don't really want to smash 'em because they can screw up a tire, or your wheel alignment. But, I'll tell you what's fun! If you get really good at it, you can clip those rascals right on the rear end, and then look in your rearview mirror, and watch 'em spin around like a top right in the middle of the highway. Man, that's fun, but I digress.

Anyway, my oldest son's wife was just about to leave for the church, so I asked her if she would stop by WalMart, and buy some "Turtle repellent." She said she would. Well, she calls me back, and says that they're all out of turtle repellent, and asks what to do. I tell her to just go on to the church, and I'll check at the Hardware Store on my way out there.

Well, I stop by my local True Value Hardware store, and sure enough they have plenty of turtle repellent in stock. So, I get two cans of it and head out to the church. By the time I get there, I'll swear that place was packed with turtles. My son was right...I mean, it was like a turtle hatchery or something. So, I hand one can to #3 son, and tell him to fire away. But when he squeezes down on the trigger, it doesn't shoot out a stream like wasp spray...no, just a fine, misty fog.

Then I realized it! I had bought "repellent," not "turtle killing spray." Duh! So, everybody in the wedding party had to be sprayed down...just like you would for mosquitoes, or chiggers before a picnic in the woods. And, as the guests arrived, my #2 son stood in the foyer & sprayed 'em down with repellent, too.

I guess it worked pretty good, because nobody got attacked, or bit or nothing. At least if they did, they didn't let on like they had been. But, it was a beautiful wedding.

Weird...

Okay...I'm going to jail!

I've had all I can stands! I can't stands no more!

Please send any futher correspondence to:

Andy Reeves
c/o Louisiana State Penitentiary
ya' know...the little gray haired, old guy that killed somebody...
Angola, LA

I AM SO FREAKIN' SICK OF BEING COLD...

I'm like, CRAP! Even on a beautiful, sunshine filled day...the freakin' wind is kicking our butts, and I can not get warm.

This is Louisiana, Dangit!!! Winter doesn't start until next Monday.

I hate Al Gore. I know that "hate" is a strong word, and an evil emotion.

But, I hate him.

Clearing up what's "wrong" with your Blog stats...

If you do not maintain a blog, and you just happened by here, this will be of ZERO interest to you.

But, if you do...and you are one of the bloggers that I regularly visit (you know who you are), I am gonna 'splain why you may have noticed your "average visit time" plumping up like Rosie O'Donnell on steroids.

I (me, myself, and I) have gotten into the very bad habit of looking down my The Gooble Reader, and when any of my beloved bloggers posts a post, I just click on the deal at the top which opens up a new window. I definitely, surely, absolutely plan to get back to your thoughts and writings at some time in the future. I really do plan to make note of your effort, and learn from your writings.

I really do...

But, I am screwed into the ground with Christmas junk, and Christmas junk, and other Andy's Place junk, and Christmas junk, and...well...I've got about 12 posts that are half done (that will never be posted).

So, if you have noticed in your "stats" that the average went from 13 seconds to 40+ minutes...

Well, it's ME! It's ME! It's ME, I'm Ernest T!!!!

So, pay no attention to your stats. I'm screwing 'em up. Not on purpose, mind you...

I have had a Brazillian thoughts, great wisdom to share, and extremely pithy come-backs to WOW you with.

But, it's Christmas Dangit!

'Tis the season to just be jolly, and not kill somebody...

I'll let y'all know how that works out over in 2010...

AFTER the "jolly killer" is somewhere else.