DENNIS KUCINICH DROPS OUT OF RACE FOR PRESIDENT OF THE DEMOCRATS...

RP (That's RedNeck Press if you don't know) - Friday, Jan. 25, 2008 Cleveland, OH

Kucinich Gives Up Bid for White House

Democrat Congressman Dennis Kucinich announced today his withdrawal from the race for his party's nomination for President. The announcement was met with disappointment from supporters, friends, family, and other various oddballs. The Alien community was by and large shocked that their man had not taken his campaign all the way to the Democrat Convention.

Rezpah, a 4,000 year old Gray from Clay, Iowa told the RP, "I'm shocked. After all these years of working to get one of our own in the White House, I thought we really had a chance."

Marfazian Wee, Supreme Leader of the Federation for Alien Dominance released a statement hailing Kucinichs' campaign, but expressing disappointment. "The FAD wishes to congratulate Congressman Kucinich on a valiant effort. Obviously, The Force was not with him. We are still a small minority in the US. Most of us settled in Iowa corn fields, Kansas wheat fields, North Carolina tobacco farms, and Idaho pumpkin patches. We just do not have the strength of numbers required at this time. But we understand that this is an eternal struggle. History shows that perseverance will eventually cause us to realize our goal of Galactic domination." Wee declined to endorse another candidate at this time, but sources close to the Federation tell us that Wee has scheduled a meeting with Congressman Ron Paul of Texas next week.

In his remarks, Congressman Kucinich thanked his supporters, and vowed to maintain the "good fight." Kucinich said "This is a bitter-sweet day. It is bitter because I can't stand any of the other candidates...not one of them! They are all part of the machine that is bent on destroying liberty, and peace throughout the galaxy. I wish none of them well. Especially Hillary Clinton!" At this point, Kucinich began to tell a story about the time Hillary had shown up drunk, and uninvited to a party at the home of Shirley MacLaine, but his wife Elizabeth standing along side him gently tugged his ear, and he returned to prepared remarks.

Kucinich continued, "I am sorry if I have disappointed my Alien brethren, but if I don't get back to Cleveland and start campaigning for Congress, I'm going to lose my House seat. And this is something we can not allow. There are only two of us in the Congress that will keep up the good fight, and I can't afford to yield the ground that we have gained."

Kucinich stopped short of endorsing Congressman Ron Paul in his remarks, but several in the crowd could be seen with magic markers crossing out "Kucinich" on campaign signs, and writing in "Paul" underneath Kucinichs' photo. To this, Kucinich stopped and gave a "thumbs up."

Completing his remarks, Kucinich said, "But today is also sweet. It's sweet because even though I will not be President, I am still married to a stone fox. Who would have ever thought that a goofy, funny-looking Alien like me would ever marry...let alone marry my gorgeous, young, humanoid wife Elizabeth? The gods have been good to me, and I will pour every bit of energy into fulfilling their goals of peace, love, joy, the annihilation of Israel, the destruction of borders, and eventual galactic dominance."

Kucinich told reporters that he planned to take a few days off, do some bowling, and play with his nifty new light saber (a Holiday gift from his Mom).