WAL-MART TRIP TEACHES A LIFE LESSON...

Well, I finally got time to tell y'all about the big old ruckus up at Wal-Mart. This is a long story, so if you don't have time to look at it, just move on down the computer page...there's more interesting stuff down there.

There was a big old ruckus up at Wal-Mart last Friday, and by a (let me get my word book...) quirk of fate, I happened to end up right in the middle of it.

Since we were flush with cash, I asked the Mrs. did she want to go to Wal-Mart to break our "Empty Pantry Diet" we've been on for awhile. She said she did. I had got the truck running pretty good, so we hopped in and went.

Well everything was going real smooth until we come across this other couple that were shopping for food, too. Now the fellow was a big old white fellow...I mean real big. And he had this real mad look on his face, kinda like his underwear was on the wrong way. I'm pretty sure he was a Redneck, but after things came down the way they did, I must admit my shame, cause he really gave us a bad name.

As the Mrs. and me went up and down each aisle, we kept coming across this couple, and this old boy was just plain ugly to the gal he was shopping with (don't know if she was his Mrs. or not, but for her sake, I sure hope not). I mean every time we come across them he was cursing about what she was putting in the cart. "Why you buying these blankety-blank Cinnamon Pop-Tarts? I like Blueberry." Or, "Why you gettin' these blankety-blank Corn Flakes? I like this blankety-blank Count Chocula better." Or, "Don't get that blankety-blank Scott paper, I like this blankety-blank Charmin, blankety-blank it!" I think you know where I'm coming from here.

Well, I was feeling pretty bad for the woman he was with, but didn't say nothing, figuring that she was probably used to it, and the fact that he was a really big fellow. But we run into them again on the beer and snack aisle. This is where the real trouble started. This woman grabs a case of Miller Light, and puts it in the cart. Man, did this big old white cursing Redneck fellow get mad. He launched out into a cursing (let me get my word book...) tirade that even made me blush. I don't know if I was blushing, or if the reds were just rising up...but I was red for sure. (What made me maddest was when he took The Lord's Name in vain).

He tells her "I don't drink no blankety-blank-blank-blank-blank light beer." Then he picks the case up from the cart and throws it at her. Luckily for her, he's not a real good shot and it misses her. Then she hollers back at him "I'm just buyin' it for your own good. You're gettin' so blankety-blank fat that you can't hardly climb up in the truck."

Well, she probably shouldn't have said that to this big old cursing Redneck fellow. This was the camel that broke this old boy's straw for good. He grabbed her around the neck, and lifted her up on the pole right next to the Fritos and went to choking her, and cursing her something awful.

So, the Mrs. looks at me and says, "Andy, are you going to stand here and do nothing? Get him off of her." She was right as usual, somebody had to do something. I stood there weighing my options. I look this cursing Redneck fellow up and down and know that he's at least twice my size. Now, I been in a fight or two in the past. It's been awhile...mostly when I was younger and real big, and could find some little fellow to pick on...but not in a long time. So I weigh my options. So I walk over and pick up a 32 ounce Coors Light bottle off the cooler shelf...then I open it up and take a swallow while I'm weighing my options.

So I tell the Mrs. "Stay here as a witness to this event while I go get some help."

So I run down the main aisle (all the while emptying this Coors Light bottle down my throat, just in case I have to use it for a weapon on that big, cursing Redneck), and I come across these black fellows wearing Wal-Mart uniforms unloading cantaloupes into a special display (they got cantaloupes on sale this week). I look them all over, and I spot this one real big black fellow...so I pick him. I holler at him real loud "HELP...HELP...some lady is gettin' choked by a big old cursing white Redneck fellow!"

Well, that's all it took! Every black fellow in a Wal-Mart uniform on duty came running straight at me, and I run em all right straight to the scene of the ruckus. Well, let me tell you...that cursing white Redneck fellow was big, but not big enough to take all of 'em. I won't describe exactly what happened, but it was kinda fun to watch. In fact, it got more and more fun as I finished off my "potential weapon."

I just love them black fellows that work at Wal-Mart.

The Mrs. and me finished up our shopping (my heart was kinda pounding hard still, but we finished), and would you believe...when we went to pay out, the Manager come out and told us "NO CHARGE!" At this point, I was wishing that I had filled up the cart a bit higher...but it was a blessing (let me get my word book...) nonetheless. Then he gave us a gift card worth $25 on our next trip for being good citizens of the Wal-Mart.

So, I learned a life lesson at Wal-Mart...well, it was actually after we left Wal-Mart:

When you go to Wal-Mart you don't ever know what might happen...so take a Designated Driver with you.