Okay, this is a real, real long story, and I’m not gonna even try to figure a way to make it short. If you don’t have time to read it, or care why I hate the United Parcel Service, then just skip on (there's some better stuff on down the page), but consider yourself warned if you start reading.
Y’all know I’ve been some upset the last few days over the UPS, and the way they done me. I had almost got over it. I mean my Better Angels had come home off vacation. Then the UPS stirred me back up… So here we go.
Due to an unfortunate incident, the Mrs. and I came to need a new pair of sheets for our bed. I’m not going into details about the incident, cause this is on the computer and just anybody might read it. But we needed new bed sheets. Now the truck still ain’t running good, and we didn’t want to chance a trip all the way out to Wal-Mart, so the Mrs. tells me that she’ll just buy some from the computer. I thought about asking somebody to pump her out to Wal-Mart, but she seemed set on buying some from the computer. So I said, “okay.”
Well, she buys some from the computer and tells me it’s gonna be about a week before they come, and that the UPS is gonna bring them right to us. Now considering the nature of the incident that caused the need for new bed sheets, I sure wished they could bring them to us quicker, but I said, “okay.”
Well, the big day arrived when the Mrs. said the new bed sheets were coming. I waited all day looking for that UPS boy to get here. But nighttime came and nothing!
So the next morning, I ask the Mrs. what to do, and she tells me that she had got a computer letter from UPS with what they call a “tracking number,” and she can look and see what’s up. So she gets on the computer and this UPS tracking number tells her that they dropped our new pair of sheets at the house yesterday afternoon. Well, I know that’s wrong. I mean I had looked out front, around the sides and back, and even in the front bushes…nothing! So I didn’t know what to do, and I was getting a little bit ticked off. So, the computer says that UPS has a free number that you can call with problems. The Mrs. tells me to go ahead on and call the number and see what’s up. She always leaves that kind of stuff for me to handle, being the man of the house and all.
First off, UPS has a stupid phone number. It’s one of them phone numbers with words instead of numbers. It’s 1-800-PICK-UPS. I couldn’t find my reading glasses, and it’s hard to read which letter matches up with which number, so it took me a couple of tries, but I finally got it right.
Now, UPS has one of them ignorant…what do they call it…Automatic Answering Machine Systems. So it starts out with this automatic white lady thankin me for calling up. Then this automatic Mexican lady comes on and says something that I couldn’t understand. But I just hung in there listening until the automatic white lady came back. And she starts telling me all the things I can do. When she got to “track a package,” I said “stop right there.” Then she comes back and says that she didn’t understand me. So the second time around, I say “track a package.” That works. Then she tells me to say my tracking number. So, I’m looking at this tracking number on the computer and the numbers and letters are real little, and I don’t have my reading glasses, so I’m going real slow telling her what it is. I guess I run out of time, because she breaks in on me and says, “I’m sorry, I didn’t get that.” So I start over and go faster and that works. So then, this automatic white lady tells me that my bed sheets were delivered yesterday afternoon just like the computer had told us. And then that automatic white lady hung up the phone. Man, were my clams steaming. But I said a little prayer and tried again.
On the next try it got better, seeing as I had some experience at how to get through. So I took a chance and just started talking to the automatic white lady just like she was a real white lady, and all the sudden, a real black lady started talking back to me. Man, I was happy.
Now this was a real nice middle-aged black lady (I could tell she was middle-aged and black, because I can tell). After I told her the tracking number, she tells me that it was delivered yesterday. So I explain to her that I’ve looked everywhere, and my bed sheets just ain’t here. She was so nice and apologetic, but she tells me that the driver noted that he left them at the front door. So I ask this nice black lady if she would just give me that driver’s phone number, and I’d work it out with him personal. She told me “naw,” and that I’d have to let her help me. Well, she really couldn’t be much help since she don’t live around here, but what are you gonna do?
So, she tells me that I have to contact some Overstocked-dot-com place so that they could back-track the order and make it right with me. Now I’m getting red. I tell this nice black lady that “We didn’t buy the sheets from no Overstocked store, we bought ‘em from the computer.” I did my best to explain it to her, but she didn’t seem to understand. So instead of losing my Christianity, I asked her if she had the phone number for this Overstocked store place, but she didn’t. So, I thanked her and hung the phone up. Luckily, I keep a spare telephone to swap out for just in case one gets broke.
So, I didn’t know what to do. I was so flustered, and upset that I was almost ready to use bad words. Now, the Mrs. picked up on this right away. So she advises me to go take the dog for a walk and cool off. Well, I never had taken this dog for a walk, but the Mrs. is pretty good about knowing how to work out frustration due to her personal experience, so I figured I would.
So, I go out to the garage to find a piece of rope so I can walk our ignorant dog…nothing…not a piece of rope anywhere. So I stand there thinking, and I remember that my next door neighbor has a big coil of rope that he keeps locked up in his storage room. Now, he’s been out of town for a while workin, so I know he’s not home, but I really need some rope to tie around the dog's neck, so I can go walk our ignorant dog, and get out my frustrations.
So I head over to my neighbors house with my pry-bar to get some rope.
I get over to his house and I’ll be danged if my new pair of bed sheets ain’t right there in front of his house. That stupid UPS boy had left my sheets at the wrong house and caused me tremendous (let me get my word book…) anxiety due to his ignorance. I was upset, but kind of relieved too, seeing as I didn’t really want to take the ignorant dog on a stupid walk, and truthfully, I didn’t want to bust my neighbor’s storage room door to get some rope. But I was still upset.
Oooohhh, those are some nice sheets. Man, I slept good and woke up almost feeling Christian again after all my raging on and on. But I really felt like I needed to get ahold of that UPS boy to explain to him what he had done, just so he wouldn’t do it again just in case the Mrs. ever bought something else from the computer.
So, I told her the whole story from the start (everything except the incident requiring the purchase of new bed sheets)…I mean the whole story. I went on and on, and I finally realized I had been talkin’ for about 20 minutes or so, and that she ain’t said nothin in awhile. But I was finished, and asked her could she relay all that to that UPS boy that had messed up and gave me the reds to start out with. It was completely quiet…nothing from her end…nothing…dead silence.
So, I start hollering “HELLO…HELLO…HELLO.” Then after awhile, this white fellow about my age (I can tell he’s white and about my age, cause I can tell) comes on the phone and apologizes for any insult by the old white lady I was talking to. He tells me that he has “terminated” her for falling asleep on the job. “TERMINATED HER?” I holler into the phone. “Yes, sir, terminated…we do not tolerate inconsiderate customer service agents at UPS.”
I was (let me get my word book...) stunned. I didn’t know what to say. So I just hung up the phone (real softly). So I sat there a long time thinking. The danged-gone United Parcel Service killed an old white lady just for falling asleep listening to me for 20 minutes…heck, the Mrs. usually don’t make more than 2 or 3 minutes before dozing off, and she ain’t old. She is white, but she ain’t old. The United Parcel Service ought not do a nice old white lady that way.
I thought about calling the police, but I don’t know what town the nice old white lady was “terminated” in.
I’m walking around now with tremendous guilt for what I caused, and extreme hatred for the danged-gone United Parcel Service. If I had finished up telling it quicker, the nice old white lady might be alive today. The guilt is something awful.
It just kinda takes the fun out of havin’ a new pair of sheets. The guilt is something awful. But I did sleep pretty good last night…the computer sells some really nice sheets. I'd recommend it. But if they don't get there, be sure and check around with your neighbors before you fall into error, like I did.
SO NOW YOU KNOW WHY I HATE THE UNITED PARCEL SERVICE
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Don't cuss nobody out, okay?