ON THE ROAD AGAIN...

Well, I can't really say along with Willie that I just couldn't wait to get on the road again...but I did. I needed to make good on my 2009 resolution to get back to running. Yep...January 26 is about when I start trying to keep my New Year resolutions.

If you haven't picked up on this yet, I am getting fat. Last night I decided that I was about to turn into a lilly-livered pansy. Over the last 6 months I have found myself in a battle with myself...you always lose those fights. My laziness has been in a battle with my obsession to remain thin.

Now, some might say that "laziness," and "obsession" are both character flaws. They would be right. But one of those flaws has to win. So, I decided that at almost 50 years old, "laziness" should lose. I've still got a few good years left in me (maybe), and I don't want to be a lazy old fart. So this morning, I decided to "hit the road" again. It has been about two years since I took my "every morning run." (I guess I can't really call it that) I decided to take just a two mile slow jog...kinda ease back into it, ya' know.

It is really frustrating for a former competitive distance runner, and marathoner to spend about 20 minutes rummaging around in the dark...trying not to wake anybody else up...looking for the Nikes. I finally found them in the back of a closet. They were still in the box...just as I remembered when I bought them (it's amazing how much dust builds up on a Nike box in two years).

I was proud. After sneezing about 14 times, and waking everybody in the house up, I strapped on those brand new Nikes, and man did they feel good. My pump was primed! I did my normal "stretching" that I usually did before my every morning run. My stretching consists of bending over to tie the laces...and away I go!

Now, when I was in shape I would normally catch my good wind around the corner of Smith St. & Princeton Ave. In distance running, it takes you about a minute or so for your heart, lungs, and legs to all connect...and that's about a minute or so from my house. This morning when I got to the corner of Smith & Princeton I had to stop. It wasn't because I was tired, mind you...or because I hadn't gotten my good wind. I had to stop in order to vomit up last Friday's lunch.

I had no idea that Chinese food would stay with you that long...but there it was...rice, noodles, shrimp, fish, a piece of the fortune cookie, and the fortune itself reading "You are a big fatass. Your lucky numbers are 5-7-14-32-59." (Oh by the way...happy Chinese New Year!)

I felt just awful for hurling on that old man's yard. But fortunately, there was a stray dog that began to run alongside me about the time I turned on to Smith St. I think you can figure out what he did. I saw my opportunity to lose him, and headed on off toward Central Park (not the one in New York City...a different one). So, it went pretty good from there on until I headed back toward home. I was already worn out a mile into this deal, and wanted to stop and walk.

But, this stray had found me over on Rodney St. He was running every step alongside, yelping, nipping at my heels, and waking up every other dog in Central Park. I mean, people were turning on their porch lights...stepping outside in bathrobes with shotguns...it was humiliating. As badly as I wanted to stop and just walk, I knew I couldn't. A runner never lets somebody see them walk. I thought about stopping for a minute to feed the dog again, but that would have been even more embarrassing, what with all those old folks looking at me and all.

So I sucked it up and plodded on. I made it back home finally, pulled off my shoes on the porch, threw them at the stupid stray dog, and went inside to finish up my Chinese New Year celebration.

Running two miles is not the pleasant experience that I remembered. So, I thought to myself, "Maybe I'll just start out getting back in shape by walking...maybe go down to the canine-free track at the high school," etc. And then I get this computer letter in my computer mailbox from the brother of a good friend (he's old...older than me even).

Hi Andy,

The Importance of Walking

Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.

My grandpa started walking Five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where he is.

I like long walks, especially when people who annoy me take them.

The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.

Love, your friend's brother

Well, I'm back to battling with myself again. Dangit, that's a battle you always lose...