DEAR DIARY...

4:45 am: "Man, I've got a gozillion things to do today. Thank God! Millions of people wake up every morning with nothing to do, and all day to do it."

5:02 am: "The Dumpometer steadily climbs. I wonder if some time in the the next few months the tally on the Dumpometer will pass the tally of my new "friends" on The Facebook. As it's going right now, probably not. I'm trying hard to compete, but I'm WAY outnumbered. Who is my new requested friend, "Benjamin Schultz?" I'm afraid of The Facebook.

6:33 am: "I should go for a morning run, and finally keep my new year's resolution. Naaa...it's too hot to run this morning, as opposed to the fact that it was too cold to run on Jan. 1."

1:00 pm: "I sure wish these customers would quit bothering me with orders so I can do important stuff like blogging."

1:30 pm: "Stuck in traffic while trying to make product deliveries, shipments at the Post Office, go to Walmart for sodas and trash can liners, and buy some gas."

1:36 pm: Limbaugh is wondering why David Letterman has become so cynical and bitter over the years. "Have you seen his beautiful young wife?"

1:38 pm: (Still stuck in traffic) "Thank God I survived the Swine Flu. I was positive that this would be my last few months on earth, and would not ever hold a grandchild."

1:51 pm: "Thank God I survived the disappearance of all the honey bees on the face of the planet a few years ago! I'm sure that no crops are growing now anywhere on the face of the planet, because all the little hummers mysteriously went kaput! But Wal-Mart still has fifty million pounds of produce, a train-load of cereal, enough Cottonelle to keep up with even me (and my ever-growing number of 'friends' on The Facebook btw), and even two honey bees buzzing the flowers in the floral section. Dang...these guys are good!"

1:58 pm: "Does Walmart only hire black women? I have seen 9 employees so far, and every one is a black female. Maybe some disaffected white male will file a racial discrimination suit against those 'racists' in Arkansas."

2:08 pm: "Regular Unleaded is $2.47 per....up a whole buck from last Fall. Whatever happened to Newt's 'Drill Here Drill Now' campaign?"

2:09 pm: "Moron is filling up his tank, and smoking a camel in the next gas lane. He 6'3, at least 220, and has too many tattoos for me to confront."

2:11 pm: "What kind of 7-toed retard tries to turn left out of the Walmart parking lot on to Airline Drive at 2:11???? Man, those people behind me are REALLY pissed."

2:11 pm: "Oh, wait!"

2:21 pm: "Whew, I'm glad to finally get out of the Walmart parking lot on to Airline Drive. This is MUCH better."

2:45 pm: "Traffic in front of the Walmart is still at a standstill, and I'm afraid my car is overheating, but it's too danged hot to shut the AC off."

2:46 pm: "Hey, that truck in front of me is old. It's an orange and white Ford. I wonder what model it is?...it looks like the same model Daddy drove back in the 70's. Hmmm...it has a 'FORD/DOLE '76' bumper sticker, and...what does that other one say???...Ahhh, 'BODY PIERCING...BY SMITH & WESSON.' Maybe I should shut the car off and go visit with him until the morons on Airline Drive learn that GREEN MEANS GO!."

2:52 pm: "I'm sure that Sean Hannity is a great guy, and a fine American patriot...but his voice sounds like a live cat thrown into a wood chipper."

3:04 pm: "News guy on the radio reminds me that LA Governor Bobby Jindal's wife, Supriya, is an Engineer. That is the perfect field of academic study if you plan to marry a devout Roman Catholic, and have a million kids. Engineering is the next best thing to Home Ec....or maybe the same thing. Dunno."

3:15 pm: "Talking to the long-haired dude in the orange and white Ford. Having a big discussion, and we both have the same question in our minds...Would it violate NCAA rules for Paul Mainieri to coach both the LSU Baseball and Football teams?" Just asking...

3:30 pm: "Traffic jam is cleared, and vehicle is moving. Dang, it's hot! Weather guy on the radio says it's 94...feels hotter than that on Airline Drive though. But at least I'm not in Basic Training at Fort Benning, Georgia in this heat like Phil is. And at least I'm not dressed in full battle gear, weighed down with a full pack, a rifle, a sweltering helmet, and ducking for my life in the heat of Afghanistan or Iraq..."

3:31 pm: "Dear Lord, please forgive me for bitching and moaning. I know my prayers aren't worth much these days, but please bless our troops. Please give them steady hands and cheerful hearts. Please comfort them in their trials, and make them know that they are loved and appreciated. Amen."

4:00 pm: Home.