I THINK I'M READY...

I had told y'all this morning that I was REALLY having trouble working up the required LSU fan hatred for Texas today, ahead of game 1 of the College World Series finals.

So, even though I did not need to get out in traffic today, I decided to go for a little drive (just hoping to get some help from some of the obnoxious, idiot Texans that come over here to gamble).

Well, it didn't go well. I did get cut off in traffic by a big old Dodge Van (80's something model). But when I looked, it had Alaska plates. Crud...I just can't hate Alaska (and even if I could it would dip into my well of hatred that MUST be reserved today).

Then, I did watch 3 (three) trucks ahead of me on Benton Road run through a red light while a cop just turned his head, and didn't go after them. They all had Arkansas plates. I'm assuming that the toothless dude out front was the "leader of the pack," and the rest of the Arkies figured they'd better go on through the light, so as not to get lost in "the big city."

Crud...I just can't hate Arkansas at this time...there will be other opportunities...I've gotta hold my water.

So, when I turn on to East Texas St. in front of the Pierre Bossier Mall, God finally smiled on me. Some obnoxious, ignorant Texan in a truck that looked like it could be used for warfare in the middle east just decided that he was going to switch lanes...WHILE I WAS RIGHT NEXT TO HIM IN THE OTHER LANE. I'm sure that he could not see me because he was elevated at least 12 feet above me...and since I drive a regular car, I'm not worth looking for. I almost wet my shorts, slammed on my brakes, and thanked the Good Lord that First Baptist Church parking lot was there to offer a place for me to sit and pray through the whole thing.

So, after I had stopped shaking, and collected myself, I noticed that I was low on gas. Fortunately, there is an Otto's gas station right there at the corner of East Texas, and Airline Dr., next to the Pierre Bossier Mall. So, I pull up to the pump...and guess who is in the lane right next to me????

You guessed it. There is this vanity military vehicle filling up. I notice that his pump is already up to 54 gallons and counting. The dude filling it up must be about 60. He is wearing a Texas Longhorn ball cap, boots, and jeans and a shirt that must have taken him half the morning to squeeze into. Plus, he's got one of those stupid "barber shop quartet mustaches (you know...either curled up, or way out to their ears, like the horns on a Texas Longhorn)."

So, I'm all full of the love of Jesus right now, having prayed this all through. I start to fill up my car, and hear him:

Texan: Hey buddy!!!

Me: Hey Partner!

Texan: We ain't from around here, and we're kinda lost.

Me: Yeah? what are you looking for?

Texan: We're looking for the Pierre Bossier Mall.

(Now, there are no less than 12 huge signs within 100 yards of him identifying that HUGE THING THAT LOOKS LIKE A MALL as "Pierre Bossier Mall." In fact, only a true retard, driving a 20-foot high hazard to humanity could possibly miss it.)

Me: Oh man, you ain't even close!

Texan: Really? Can you point me in the right direction?

Me: Sure man. Turn right out of this parking lot on to Airline Drive. Get back on I-20 West. Stay on it until you see the "Allen Avenue Exit." It's a good ways, probably about 12 miles. Take that exit, and then turn left. Just stay on Allen Avenue, and it will take you right straight to the Pierre Bossier Mall. You can't miss it. There's a bunch of big signs, and it looks like a mall.

Texan: Sure appreciate it man.

I watched him as he got back on I-20 headed west, out of Bossier City into the worst possible urban neighborhood of Shreveport. All the while, he was passing at least 3 or 4 "entrance" signs to the Pierre Bossier Mall.

I think I'm ready...