Sunday, December 20, 2009

I think Walt is giving me strange dreams...

No, that's not Walt. Trust me, I know him, and it's not him. Walt sent me this picture. It's a turtle dressed up like a hamburger. Or, a hamburger disguised as a turtle. Not sure which...but I think it's giving me odd dreams.

I dream a lot. I don't usually remember my dreams, so I guess I'm not sure whether I dream a lot or not. Just sayin'...

But, I had three dreams last night that I distinctly remember. And, one of them was really odd. Perhaps y'all can analyze it for me, and tell me just how screwed up I am.

I dreamed that I was murdering somebody. I had my hands wrapped around their throat, and was squeezing the life out of them. I could see the sheer terror in their eyes, and then nothing...lifeless. Now, that's not the really odd dream, because there is a distinct likelihood that this is going to happen. Soon.

In the second dream that I remember, I was trying to get upstairs to my garage apartment. I have an apartment above my detached garage. We've never rented it out to anyone, but one or two of the boys lived up there at various times when they were teenagers, and all still at home. It was nice for them, and for us...if you know what I mean.

There is a very substantial steel stairway leading up to it, with a welded rail around the landing. But, for some reason, I got out my extension ladder and extended it up to the landing from the side. I climbed the ladder, and when I got to the landing, I was afraid to grab the rail, and leap over on to it from the extension ladder. So, I came back down the ladder, moved it, and just laid it down on the stairs. Then, I climbed the ladder as it lay on the stairs all the way up to the landing. Success!

But that's not the really odd dream. No, I dreamed that I was getting married to The Mrs. again. We weren't, we were our current age. I don't know if she had finally divorced me, and I had come crawling, begging her to take me back, or what. The dream didn't say.

But, we were planning a wedding. And, I don't think it was one of those "renewal of your vows" deals, either. Then again...the dream didn't say. The wedding was going to be held at a little church out in the country. Now, this is odd, because we don't go to a little church in the country...and her Momma doesn't, and my Momma & Daddy don't really either. (at least not to this particular little church)

And, everybody was here at Andy's Place...all the kids had made it home for the big wedding. So, about an hour before the wedding, my oldest son calls me and says, "Dad, I'm out here at the church, and we've got a big problem. There are turtles everywhere. I mean, everywhere! They're all over the parking lot, and walking down the aisle, and up in the choir loft. They're just streaming up out of this little bayou that runs by the church, and taking over the whole place."

Just as a side note, we have a lot of turtles in Louisiana. Especially when you get down in central & south Louisiana, they are everywhere. You'll be driving down the highway, and here they come...moseyin' across the road at a turtle's pace. And, you don't really want to smash 'em because they can screw up a tire, or your wheel alignment. But, I'll tell you what's fun! If you get really good at it, you can clip those rascals right on the rear end, and then look in your rearview mirror, and watch 'em spin around like a top right in the middle of the highway. Man, that's fun, but I digress.

Anyway, my oldest son's wife was just about to leave for the church, so I asked her if she would stop by WalMart, and buy some "Turtle repellent." She said she would. Well, she calls me back, and says that they're all out of turtle repellent, and asks what to do. I tell her to just go on to the church, and I'll check at the Hardware Store on my way out there.

Well, I stop by my local True Value Hardware store, and sure enough they have plenty of turtle repellent in stock. So, I get two cans of it and head out to the church. By the time I get there, I'll swear that place was packed with turtles. My son was right...I mean, it was like a turtle hatchery or something. So, I hand one can to #3 son, and tell him to fire away. But when he squeezes down on the trigger, it doesn't shoot out a stream like wasp, just a fine, misty fog.

Then I realized it! I had bought "repellent," not "turtle killing spray." Duh! So, everybody in the wedding party had to be sprayed down...just like you would for mosquitoes, or chiggers before a picnic in the woods. And, as the guests arrived, my #2 son stood in the foyer & sprayed 'em down with repellent, too.

I guess it worked pretty good, because nobody got attacked, or bit or nothing. At least if they did, they didn't let on like they had been. But, it was a beautiful wedding.



  1. Um, turtle repellent? Dude, obviously you have lost your stark raving mind. I think that what you need is pork. Eat a bunch of pig. They chase the dream turtles away, trust me. I eat pork all the time and have never had a dream about a turtle.

  2. Dude, I know I've lost my mind. And heh! It's a don't have to make sense.

    So, I'll mark your interpretation down as "Andy's crazy, and should eat a pig." Thanks...

  3. "the dream didn't say."

    That's been filed away for future reference. It's a phrase I've been looking for all my life but didn't realize it until just now. Thanks, Andy!

    Interpretation? Moi? What do ya think I am... a shrink or sumthin? Well, OK... there's this: sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. Actually, they're ALWAYS "just cigars" in these parts.

    Insert "turtle" where appropriate. Five cents, please.

  4. I'm the one who's supposed to be having weird prednisone dreams but it seems you stole them all.


Don't cuss nobody out, okay?