I HAVE ABOUT LAUGHED MYSELF SILLY!

Hey y'all,

I have laughed myself until my guts are sore.

I had told y'all that the Mrs. had bought herself a new side-discharge, self-pulling lawnmower for Valentines Day. Well, she has used it a couple of times now, so I figured we wouldn't have to take it back to Wal-Mart for a refund. So, I decided to fill out the guarantee slip in the instruction booklet, and mail it back to Sam.

So, I break out the instruction booklet for the new MTD lawnmower to get the guarantee card out of it, and decide to start reading the instructions (just in case I ever really use it myself, I want to know how to do it right).

I'll tell you, you talk about some stupid, idiot instructions! I started hee-hawing, and walked back to tell the Mrs. I was laughing hard (with the booklet in my hand), and she said, "Does it tell you not to put your face on the blade while the mower is running?" I just love that gal. She knew exactly why I was hockin up half a lung!

First off, the first 14 pages of an 18 page booklet were "Safety Rules."

I was like, "Dang honey, did you have to show an ID to prove that you were over 21 to buy this dang thing?"

So I started reading some of this instruction booklet to her. Let me give you an example, or two. I ain't kidding here...this is the real deal.

On Page 2: To avoid blade contact, or thrown object injury, stay in "operator zone" behind handles, and keep children, bystanders, helpers, and pets at least 75 feet from mower while it is in operation. Stop machine if anyone enters area.

Now where in the heck else are you gonna stay when you're cutting the grass except the "operator zone?" As far as the dog and the kids, if they're too ignorant to get out of the way of flying grass and rocks, then they need to get hit a time or two.

Also on Page 2: Do not put hands or feet near rotating parts or under the cutting deck. Contact with blade can amputate fingers, hands, toes and feet.

Really? Shazaam! I had no idea that a running lawnmower could make you a life-long Texas Longhorn fan if you were stupid enough to stick your hand up underneath it while it's running!

On Page 4: Before and while moving backwards, look behind and down for small children. (I'm not kidding here...that is what it says).

Crud...this ain't a Dualie, it's a stinkin' lawnmower!!! My brains are frying by now.

Also on Page 4: Muffler and engine can become hot and can cause a burn. Do not touch!

Ignorant to the 3rd power! Then it gets better.

On page 5: DO NOT MODIFY ENGINE! Tampering with the engine may lead to a runaway engine, and cause it to operate at unsafe speeds!

Now, I know some Rednecks that mess around with engines, but I ain't ever seen one try to modify the engine on a stinkin' lawnmower. I mean, it ain't a Harley, or a stock car for Heavens' sake! It's a stinkin' lawnmower.

On Page 6: Do not operate mower indoors.

I read that to the Mrs., and she laughed as hard as me. She said, "What...are we gonna go mow the living room?" We laughed a good while about that one. But then came the topper of all toppers.

Page 7: Page 7 is a "tear-out" page from the instruction booklet. I don't have a fax machine, so I can't fax it up on the computer, so I used my fancy computer camera that Harmons' boss-man gave me to take a picture of it. Here it is:


You can't see it real good, but it tells you to tear this page out of the booklet, then fold it along dotted line, and hold the left-hand top corner level with a vertical tree. Then you look at the top of it to make sure that you've got no more than a 15 degree slope on your yard.

If you've got more slope than that, then according to page 8, you gotta run the mower sideways, not up and down, seeing as it might flip over on you.

I'm not trying to be ugly here, but is there a new species of midget that can let a side-discharge, self-pulling lawnmower tump over on top of 'em? That would be a tragedy, but I don't think it's possible, seeing as the danged thing cuts off every time you loosen your grip!

Then the booklet goes on for several pages telling you ignorant stuff like "make certain that you have gasoline in the mower," and "be certain to wear goggles while operating." (Heck, I don't even wear goggles while welding). The whole dang thing is a hoot to read!

Well, at least the instruction booklet was all in American. There's not a sign of Mexican or Chinese (even if you flip it over backwards). I guess Wal-Mart figures that only Americans are stupid enough to need these stupid, idiot instructions to run a stinkin' lawnmower.

But, the Mrs. likes the mower...so I guess I'll mail in the guarantee card...after all, it was her Valentines Day present.