WHY I DON'T TRUST ARABS!

Okay, I have been telling y'all for awhile that I got ripped off at Walmart. I am so sorry to be so long laying the whole story out for you, but dang!!! It is so beautifully gorgeous here in Louisiana that I couldn't force myself to sit inside the house behind the little flat typewriter and put the story up on the computer while it's so beautifully gorgeous outside.

But I had a epifuny. I remembered that I had that portable computer that Harmons' boss-man let me keep when he fired me from the Super Bowl (by the way...I ain't seen nothing from the RP about steroid pill usage in the NFL since I got "let go." I think Harmon's boss-man is in Elis' pocket, but that's another story.) So I figured I would clock two birds with one rock and take my portable computer outside to enjoy the sunshine and tell y'all how I got ripped off at Walmart on Valentines Day.

It's a long story, so if you ain't got time to read it, just "bookmark it," and come on back when you do.

Well, I am like alot of husbands when it comes to Valentines Day. I figure that it's always best to wait until the "big day" itself. I mean, you don't want to give the Mrs. old flowers, or old candy or nothing. Those fellows that think way ahead usually end up disappointed...wilted flowers...stale candy...and really high-priced cards.

Not for me! I want to give the Mrs. the very best. That's why I always wait until the actual Valentines Day to go shopping.

Well, I pull into Walmart about 11 am on Valentines Day, and go right straight to the roses. I'll tell you, they must have had three hundred or so "dozen roses" on the round display buckets. I mean, there was every color, shape, and sniff you could imagine.

Now, I have alot of experience with buying roses from Walmart on Valentines day...so I go right at it. I am walking around all the round display buckets looking for just the right dozen, when I notice that there is a little short dark-haired fellow standing right next to me. As I circle the display, I see that this dude is still right next to me.

This is starting to creep me out, but all the sudden, this dude opens his mouth and asks me, "Excusing me! Can you please telling me which flowerings can be the best flowerings for the girlfriending?" He was talking real fast, and with really sharp tones in his voice...you know...kind of like the dude that answers the phone when you call for technical support on your lawnmower that you just bought.

Well, I know right away that I'm in trouble. So I ask him, "You ain't from Shreveport are you?" This little short dude tells me "No, I am not. I am from Yemen. I am in medical schooling." So, I figured that I would be Christian and speak to him heart to heart. Now, I know enough to know that Arabs don't celebrate Valentines Day (in fact, you can get your head chopped off in the Arab world if you do, due to the fact that Valentines Day is named after a Roman Catholic).

So, my thought was that he has a "girlfriending" that is a regular American gal. He wants to impress her enough that she will get married to him...then when he graduates from LSU, he will take her back to Yemen and make a slave of her there. So I don't want to be ...(let me get my word book) complicit in the enslavement of a stupid American girl.

So I study this short Arab dude up and down, and ask him, "Are you a Christian?" He looks me right square in the eye and says, "Yes, I am Christian! I am believing unto the sacrificing of Jesus, and unto the belovednessing of Saint Valentine!" Then I ask him, "Are you planning to get married to a regular American girl then take her back to Yemen and enslave her?" At this point his eyes get as big a saucers, and he tells me, "No! No! I am not a believer in enslavening wives...no matter how many of the wivings I bring back to Yemen with me!"

I still have my suspicions at this point, but he seemed honest enough. So I start to explain to him about Walmart roses. "Now the first thing you've got to do is look for the smallest buds." I learned a long time ago that if you buy big old, full-blooming roses from Walmart, you are messed over but good. Those are the ones that look great on Valentines Day, but only last about 2 days before they turn black and end up in the trash can...(along with your hopes and dreams of residual affection from the Mrs.).

So, I'm walking around the display buckets and I find the primo...best...most glorious peach colored roses (all little-bitty buds...about dime-sized) that I have ever seen at Walmart on Valentines Day (I mean, these are so beautiful that you would pay at least $40 at a real flower shop...not the $19.95 that Walmart charges. I guess they're cheaper because they come from Columbia. I figured that roses from South Carolina are cheaper than roses from Louisiana...but I lost all my "state loyalty" when I saw these. So I grab them quick, and stick them in my cart (I breathe a sigh of joy).

Well, I noticed about this time that this short Yemen medical student dude already has 3 different dozen roses in his cart. This made me even more suspicious, but I helped him anyway. We rounded the display buckets, and we found the second best dozen roses that they had. They were pale-blush-pink. This old boy was so happy! And I was too (at the time).

So, I leave there and go to the "Valentines Card Display." I am looking through the 4 or 5 Valentines Day cards that are left there, and I hear this dude again...crud! "Can you telling me about which card for my girlfriending?"

He had just about wore me down by now, so I grabbed the card that that had the naked fat guy on it with the obscene message inside and told him, "She will love this one." He was so happy! He told me "many thankings you," and finally left me alone (I was tee-heeing.)

I found the perfect card for the Mrs., and it was cheap...I am really happy now!

So, I went on to the "Candy Aisle," and found the Raisinets that the Mrs. loves so much. (Finding the Raisinets is a whole other story that is probably funnier than this one).

I am ready to get out of Walmart by now, and I head to the "Speedy Checkout" at Walmart (that's 20 items or less). When I get there, this short Arab Yemen dude is in the checkout line next to me. And oh...he is just so friendly, and smiling and all. He's just "thankinging" me, and telling me how much he is "appreciatingitive" of my help and all.

I was just glad to be finished shopping... but I stayed Christian, and told him, "Go with God...Jesus is the way!" He flashed the "peace sign" at me and all the young black girls that check you out at Walmart started shouting "Hallelujah!" It was a real spiritual moment. A tear came to my eye, and I was overcome by the glory of St. Valentines Day. I couldn't wait to get back home to the Mrs. (if you know what I mean).

I happened to be behind a big, tall Air Force guy in the speedy checkout line. He was really nice, and was visiting with the little black girl that had just shouted "Hallelujah" and he was talking to her about how he had "dinner reservations" for tonight at a fabulous restaurant for him and his wife. All the sudden, I felt very ignurant! I had planned to cook dinner on Valentines Day Night for the Mrs., and in all the hubub with this short, Yemen, Arab dude, I forgot to get the essentials for the Valentines Day Night Dinner.

So, I paniked! I didn't know what to do since I was already in the "speedy checkout line" at Walmart. So, I made a decision...I told the young black lady that I had to run back to the grocery department and get my Valentines groceries. She was so overcome with all the glory of the Day that she just told me, "Go on...leave your cart here. I'll keep a watch on it...Hallelujah!"

So I ran back to the frozen food section of Walmart (knocking over a few cans of stewed tomatoes...but that's a different story), and grabbed the Sams' Choice Texas Toast, and the Stouffers' Vegetable Lasagne. If you don't know this already, "Nothing spells LOVE like Stouffers!"

It took me awhile to get back to the Walmart "speedy checkout" due to the fact that there were a bunch of Rednecks in my way that didn't really know what they wanted. I finally knocked one big old round boy into his shopping cart, and while they were all trying to set him upright I grabbed the one Stouffers Vegetable Lasagne that was left. I made a bee-line for the front, and I was very, very, very happy.

When I got back up to the front, would you believe that something was missing from my shopping cart that I had left up there? Dang right! My perfect dime-sized budded roses were gone from my cart! And in the cart there was a note from that Arab dude.

It said: "I am thanking you so much for the advicing for Valentinings Day! Happy Thanksgivining Day to you and your one wifing. If you ever are coming to Yemen, please looking me up."

I don't think I'll go to the trouble of looking him up on my next trip to Yemen.

I don't really believe that he is a Christian. I mean...no Christian steals the best roses in Walmart from a Brother.

Well, I got ripped off at Walmart by an Arab.

But the Mrs. seemed to like the "second best dozen roses" in the store. She liked the card, too! (It didn't have the naked fat guy on it, or the old lady with no teeth chomping down on chocolates) It was real sweet, and suppressed my love for her very well.

I can tell y'all for sure that I love everybody, seeing as I am a Christian, but them Arabs make it tough on me sometimes. I mean, I know that Jesus spoke the Arabic language...but I think that's where the similarity ended.