MY MOMMA IS A STAR!

Well, here we go with one of the most stressful times of the year. Mother's Day!

I swear, I get twisted up in a knot around Mother's Day. I start about a month out wondering what in the world am I gonna get my Momma. I mean, what do you get the "woman that has three of everything?" It's easy to figure out Anniversary, and birthday gifts for The Mrs. She ain't got much, so just about anything will do.

But Mother's Day...it's always a puzzle! I don't ever get The Mrs. anything for Mother's Day, seeing as she's not my mother and she's got 4 children to handle all that. But I always "stress out" over what to get my Momma.

I thought about getting her knee replacement surgery this year. But it's out of my budget, and I think Medicare is gonna pick up the tab on it anyway.

But I was listening to the radio today, and there is a company advertising "the perfect Mother's Day gift." It seems that I can call these folks up and have a star named after her!

Now, that is pretty impressive. The ad said that they will get it all recorded in the US patent office or something. They also said that they will send my Momma an impressive gift package showing the location of her star, and a bunch of other stuff. I could even get a silver bracelet with the name of the star on it (I reckon that's gonna be my Momma's name) to go along with the whole Mother's Day gift.

Here is the $54.00 one (plus shipping) I was looking at on the computer at www.starregistry.com:

The International Star Registry gift package includes a beautiful 16" x 12" parchment certificate, available framed or unframed, with the name of your choice, dedication date, and telescopic coordinates of the star. You'll also receive an informative booklet with charts of the constellations plus a larger, more detailed chart with the star you name encircled in red.

All kits include:

• A beautiful 16" X 12" full color parchment certificate personalized with the star name, date and coordinates.
• A Personalized 16" X 12" sky chart containing the star name, star date, the constellation and the location circled in red where the star is in the sky.
• A booklet on astronomy written by a professional astronomer with additional sky charts.
• A letter of congratulations/memorial for the recipient.

*Star Chart Not Shown to Scale.

All Star Kits Include our booklet on astronomy written by a professional astronomer with additional sky charts, and a letter of congratulations.

I'll tell y'all, I was just in turmoil about it all. It sounded real good, but I really like to get Momma something she wants. She's a great Momma. I just had so many questions about the whole deal that I decided to give them a call instead of buying a star from the computer. The computer don't answer questions as good as people do.

So I decided to call up this International Star Registry. They have a 1-800 number so I can do that without using up minutes on my calling card. Well, I called them up. As usual, the first thing I hear is an automatic white lady thanking me for calling them up. Then an automatic Mexican lady comes on and says something that I don't understand. Then I sit there listening to elevator music for awhile.

Then Eureka! A young black lady comes on the phone (I can tell she's young, and black, because I can tell). She was real nice. She was wanting to take my order for a star for my Momma. We visited a good long time, and she was so nice. We were talking about children, and Mommas. Seems she is a Momma with two boys (turns out they play soccer, just like my youngest boy!). I asked her "have your younguns named a star after you?" She just kinda laughed and told me that they were still little guys and didn't have the $59 plus shipping yet at their age. (I felt real ignorant...of course they don't have $59 plus shipping yet...)

So I asked her if her Momma was still living. She said, "Yes sir, she is, and doing very well." I was glad! So, I asked her "Did you get a star named after your Momma yet?" She kinda giggled sort of embarrassed like, and said that she hadn't got around to it just yet. I told her that she'd better hurry up, seeing as Mother's Day is Sunday.

But finally I got down to the business of asking the questions I had about this whole deal. So I started out by asking her, "Do I get to pick out the star that I want to buy for Momma myself?" There was kind of a long pause on her end before she said, "Well, no sir. At least I don't think so. I've never really had anyone ask that question, but I think that the Star Registry chooses them randomly."

Well, I have never just bought something that somebody else picked out for me (except for letting The Mrs. pick out gifts...she has good taste...obviously), but I can understand that there are a bazillion stars out there, and if they let everybody pick out their own star to buy it could take the purchaser way too long to decide. So the "random" deal made sense to me.

Then I asked her, "Well, my Momma has a pretty common name. What if there is already a star out there already with the same name as my Momma's? Do they do it like vanity license plates or something...you know, like 'Bubba48' or something?" She was stumped. She had to put me "on hold" for a good while. But I didn't care, because it was a 1-800 number, and the music had gotten better.

She came back on the line and said, "Sir, if there is already a star with your Mother's name, we will make certain to name her star in a different galaxy." I reckon they do that to keep from intermingling of families like they do in Arkansas...you know, keep everybody in the same family separated by several billion miles and everything should be cool in the cosmos.

So, then I asked her, "Now, what if my Momma doesn't like her star? Can she return it for the value of it? Can she get a refund like as a Wal-Mart card or something?" I think that question stumped her worse. It was a good while before she answered. I could actually hear her talking to somebody in the background before she came back to the phone (I figure it was her Supervisor). Then Margie (that's her name) said, "No sir, there is no way to issue a refund or a return on a star name."

Well, as I got to thinking about it, it made sense. I mean, after you once get your Momma recorded at the US Patent office, it might take a dadgummed act of Congress to expunge that. It might end up compromising national security or something. So I can understand why once you make the decision it sticks forever. In fact, the advertisement on their computer page says that I can give Momma "A Gift That Lasts Forever."

So, that brought me to my next question for Margie. I said "So, if I buy a star for Momma, I am expecting this to be a 'gift that lasts forever.' So, what if at some time in the future my Momma's star goes into a supernova? What if her gift that is supposed to last forever burns up?"

She didn't even have to ask her supervisor. She told me right back, "We will replace your Mother's star at no charge."

I was sold! So, then I started to give her my order. Margie needed Momma's name, address and all (I guess to know what to name the star and where to send the lovely gift package for Mother's Day). I gave her all that. Then she wanted to know if I wanted the "Custom, Deluxe, or Ultimate Package." She also wanted to know if I wanted to get the silver bracelet with the name and location of the star on it.

Right then an idea struck me. I asked her "Can I get the bracelet made up with a different name than the star?" (I was thinking that I could get The Mrs.' name on the bracelet and give it to her for our next anniversary, seeing as Momma don't care much for jewelry). But she said "No sir, that is not possible." Margie was getting kind of short and sharp-talking with her answers by this time. I reckon she was getting close to the end of her shift and wanted to wrap up this big sale and get on home to her two boys.

So I told her to just go on ahead and put Momma's name on the bracelet, and I ended up ordering the Ultimate Package. When we got finished, she told me that it totaled up to $144.95 plus shipping. I swallowed real hard, but my Momma is worth it! My Momma is a star!

So then Margie said "Thank you sir, what credit card would you like to charge this to?" I started sweating... Credit Card???? I explained to her that I don't believe in using credit, and just asked her to send it C.O.D. to my Momma (I figured I would give Momma the cash, or a money order to give the UPS fellow when he showed up with her Ultimate Star Registry Name Package).

Then there was a good long pause on the phone line. It seems that www.starregistry.com does not do C.O.D.s. Bless her heart, Margie was really sweet. She told me that I could go ahead on and mail in a money order, and they would get my order sent out as soon as possible to Momma.

I had a pencil and a tablet handy, so I got the address from her and all. I thanked her much for her help with this deal. But I ain't sure I'm gonna go through with this purchase. If I get a money order in the mail tomorrow, the Star Registry people won't even get it until next week. Then it will be several days before the UPS man can deliver the gift.

Crud...

This is why I get in such turmoil around Mother's Day. If my Momma wasn't such a "star," I wouldn't even bother. But she is. And I just can't let her gift get there a week after Mother's Day. No way Hozaa!

So I reckon it'll be flowers and a card (again)...Momma is already a star in my universe. She don't need her name "recorded in book form" at the US Patent office...