I LOVE THE MRS., BUT...(#91)

I love listening to the radio. Well, maybe "love" is too strong a term. I really like listening to the radio. I'll listen to anything...except rap music. I'll listen to Country, Pop, Easy-listening, Talk, Gardening, Home Improvement, Jazz, Techie stuff...even Kim Komando (I'll tell y'all, that gal has got one sexy voice. She's probably a skaggot with a face fit for radio, but I'll listen to her anyway).

I am what they call a (let me get my word book...) auditory learner.

Well, The Mrs. and me were forced once again to work this Sunday, due to the rotten economy and the fact that we can't seem to keep up with fulfilling our orders. Seeing as it is Sunday, while we were working I tuned in to listen to the Episcopal Church that broadcasts their worship services on our local radio station. I've already memorized all of it (you know, like when the preacher says something at the audience, and the audience says something back at him...and he says something else, and the audience says something back...well, you know), but I tune in occasionally to see if they've got some new material since the last four hundred years...

And I also like to tune in because different members of the Shreveport Episcopals die, and different ones get birthdays every week, which the preacher announces all of. I always like to keep up with the news of which Shreveport Episcopalians croaked...and which ones got a year older without croaking. Man, I sure wish they'd use some last names when they make those announcements. One week, two "Johns" died, and two "Johns" had birthdays. I couldn't figure out what kind of cards to send to who.

But I regress. So, after they finished up the benediction, I switched over to the "Oldies" station. Now, that is my second favorite station to listen to when I'm working on Sunday. But The Mrs. likes "the Oldies" radio better than the "country Oldies" radio (George Jones & Conway Twitty give her the willies). So we are listening to "the Oldies," and I am having a high old time!

I do this really funny thing when music is on the radio! I cleverly substitue lines in songs in order to be funny. Like, when The Eagles' "Lying Eyes" comes on there, just at the right moment, I'll sing, " 'cause he makes her squeal the way she used to squeal...you can't HIDE your big fat things...". Or, when Roy Orbison's "Pretty Woman" comes on there, I'll tease The Mrs. about how her boyfriend is singing (I forgot to mention that Roy gives her the willies, too). Then just at the right moment, I'll chime in "...oooohhhh she's walking back to me...and hurling as you see...".

It's just hillarious! I CRACK ME UP WHEN I DO THAT! But I reckon I must have been off my game today (probably due to the fact that my recently rediscovered butt is killing me). For some reason, The Mrs. was not amused. This is about how it went...

The Mrs. : Andy, would you PLEASE shut up??????

Me: Don't tell me to shut up.

The Mrs. : I didn't tell you to shut up. I asked you. I said PLEASE!

Me: Okay!

Well, of course I could NOT shut up, but IT AIN'T ALL MY FAULT! The Mrs. has her own (let me get my word book...) foibles when it comes to listening to music on the radio. She talks back to the songs just like black folks talk back to films at the theater. (You know..."Don't kiss that nappy headed fool...Don't go in there...Run girl RUN!!!!!, etc.)

So, we're listening to Oldies, and Gary Puckett's "Woman, woman" (bitchin' threads on that picture by the way) is playing. I love that song...I was a big Gary Puckett fan. When he gets to "...but lately when I love you, I know you're not satisfied..."

The Mrs. : Gary, you need to work on your technique, boy. And it wouldn't hurt if you call her by her name...not 'Woman.' "

Me: Well, it's better than "the old ball & chain."

The Mrs. : Shut up...I'm listening. (Long pause) I know you don't have cheating on your mind. I know you'd never betray your right handed Mistress!"

Me: Ha Ha Ha...uhhhh...that's ugly!

The Mrs. : I'm just kidding sweetheart...really, I am...really...

(Wiseacre)

So, as time rocks along they start playing Barry White's "Never, Never Gonna Give You Up." Oooooh, I like that one! The Mrs. don't like Barry nearly so much as I do. So, the whole time that one's playing she's just talking to it like black folks at a film...

The Mrs. : I don't know what Glodean ever saw in him! His language was so filthy, and he was just so crude! I'll bet Glodean told him that if he gained one more pound SHE WOULD GIVE HIM UP. He probably told her to "shut up and bring me the Fritos."

Me: Shut up! I'm trying to listen. I'm waiting for just the right moment to chime in, and sing in my sexiest Barry voice..."I don't have to cook no more."

The Mrs. : I ASKED you nicely to shut up!

Me: Okay Sweetheart!... (I refrained myself) You know they chopped off some of his toes before he died. I think maybe one whole foot!

The Mrs. : Did he have "sugar?"

Me: Well, I don't think it was cosmetic surgery...

The Mrs. : Shut up!

Me: (silence)

So, The Mrs. was just about chilled out when the stupid, ignorant, worthless "Oldies Radio" station decided to play "Light My Fire" by the ignorant, drugged out Jim...and his Screen "Doors."

I couldn't help myself even though I summoned up all the grace of God I had received from listening to the Episcopals earlier. Just as Morrison rises way up to screech out, "...TRY TO SET THE NIGHT ON FIIIIIIIIAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" I joined in...

The Mrs. : I have asked you several times now to shut up.

Me: Yeah, I know...I'm sorry...

The Mrs. : (laughing) I think somebody needs to light your fire. Where did you hide the match?

Me: It's right where it was the last time you looked.

I had my reading glasses on at the time, and made the fatal mistake of taking them off and handing them to her.

The Mrs. :(giggling) Do these things magnify?

Me: No, but they work REAL GOOD when you get close enough to what you're looking for.

The Mrs. : (long pause)

Well y'all, I didn't realize how long it would take to write this all down on the computer. The ice pack taped to my left eye has melted, and needs changed.

I just love The Mrs.!!!!!! I'm glad I didn't marry a doormat...