Wednesday, March 16, 2011

The Mrs. is MAKING me grow my hair back...

...and I don't like it not ONE DANG BIT!

Okay, so it all started like this.  About a month ago or so, #3 son was looking at some pictures from a couple of years ago, and being the smartelek that he is said to The Mrs., "Mom, you really need to tell Dad to grow his hair back.  He looked a lot better with hair."


So, under that wind, The Mrs. began to drop little hints about me growing my hair back.  Now, long time visitors to Andy's Place know just how long and hard I suffered over the decision to go with a buzz cut.  I mean, I even polled y'all, and the overwhelming response was, "JUMP!"  

Y'all might even remember when I did it.  This was one of the most beloved events in Andy's life that have been chronicled here on this Titanic of mediocrity. 

And I swear, I quickly came to love my buzz cut.  In fact, a couple of weeks later I shorn on down with a #1 clipper guard, and have been doing that every two weeks since April of last year.  That is, until about a month ago, or so.  That's when The Mrs. finally came clean, and told me that she really didn't like my buzz cut.

She was all like, "Well, you look a lot younger with hair," and "Your head isn't shaped real good for a burr," and junk like that.  I responded with like "Well, I don't care how young I look," and "My Mama says that I have a beautifully shaped head."  To which she replied with junk like, "Well, Mamas lie to their kids about their appearance all the time.  Trust me, I know," and other junk like that.

I mean, I have NEVER, NOT EVER, NEVER told The Mrs. how I would like for her to wear her hair.  I mean, I've never said, "Sweetheart, you looked a lot better with long hair than you do with short hair."  That would be hurtful...and WAY stupid.

Just sayin'...

In fact, The Mrs. has glorious hair.  She's got a thick head full of it that most women would kill for.  And even though she KNOWS I like long hair on ladies, she keeps it bobbed off real short.  And, that's cool with me.  You know why?  Because I know it's a pain in the butt to a busy lady to have to keep care of long hair.  So, I would NEVER, not EVER ask her to grow her lovely, thick locks back out on my account.

Just sayin'...

But Nooooooooooo....she is making me grow my hair back out.  And, I hate it. 

HATE IT!  HATE IT!  HATE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I had come to love the ease of maintenance...I can wear ball caps without getting "caphead," I can just use a washrag for hygiene, and I don't have to make an appointment to get it all shaped up, and pay good money for it.  

Plus, I think I look pretty dang good with a buzz cut.

So, a month or so into my regrowth, what do I look like? 

A retarded fuzzball.  Yep, that's exactly what I look like.  I mean, what The Mrs. doesn't understand is that when you have to regrow from a buzz cut to a standard look, you've got all this crap that's got to get long enough in the intermediate time before you can actually make it lay down one way or another.  And, I guess she doesn't realize that this friggin' gray hair just goes any way it wants to.

If you don't have gray hair yet, you won't understand, but that crap just goes left, right, up, down, sideways...each little gray hair has a mind of its own, and a head full of it all growing back out at once makes you look like a retarded fuzzball.  

I started to put a picture of myself up here so y'all could just see what I'm talking about, but I am too ashamed to post it on the computer.  I am sure y'all would point and laugh.  Heck, she just don't realize that I've got to be out in the public.  I've got to go to work.  

I know people at work are pointing and laughing.  Oh sure, they are all real nice, and friendly when I'm visiting with them and all.  But, I KNOW that as soon as I turn and walk away they all start talking about how "Andy looks like a retarded fuzzball."  I'm sure of it.

And, it's not just work, either.  I mean, I have to go shopping, and I'm afraid I'm gonna end up on The Wal-Mart People computer page.  I swear, every time I go out in public now I'm gun-shy.  This sucks!

I liked my buzz-cut.  I liked it a lot.  I thought that I had finally "found myself," and gotten past all the vanity junk.  But, this foray back into hair has really screwed that over.  Now, I look worse than I ever have (except for maybe that mullet period in the early '90s), and it's really bugging me.

Have I mentioned that I HATE IT?  HATE IT!  HATE IT!  HATE IT!!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah, I think I did.  But, I'm gonna do it because I love The Mrs., and because she has told me in no uncertain terms that she's not gonna help me trim up the back if I DO get the clippers out again.  And, that would probably look even more retarded than my current fuzzball state.   I guess it'll be okay.  She assures me that in another few weeks, it'll be long enough to get it all shaped up and that I'll be glad that I did grow it back out.

I am NOT convinced.

This sucks!  

Yeah, I meant this post...


  1. Gray hair is the pits - it does have a mind of its own. I keep my hair long so that I can pull it back or put it up, but some ladies short styles require lots of effort. If your head is shaped like a football, I'm thinkin' you should have grown hair a long time ago, but then I think a flat-top is just pretty sexy.

  2. Oh yes, the grays. All of a sudden there's the one standing straight up, waving at passers-by and proudly proclaiming "I'm Heeeerrrreee!" I wear mine long and have had it that way for about 15 years, no muss, no fuss, basically wash-and-wear.

  3. Axt her if she could make me do that, I'm not sure how it works . .

  4. Good luck growing your hair long again. In just a few weeks it will no longer look like a toilet brush and you can slick 'er down with a little bear grease.

  5. You're gonna miss that low maintenance, Andy. But here's a strategy you might consider: grow your hair long and keep letting it grow. Don't cut it. And don't shave. Grow a beard. I'm talking a real beard. Moses. ZZ Top. Make yourself into a hirsute monster. The missus might then beg you to go back to the buzz cut.

  6. I don't care what my hair looks like as long as it doesn't cover and tickle my ears. I even found a Barber that cuts it for $7.00 once a month. OK, I do tip him extra but any extra I save goes to the Chocolate shop around the corner.

  7. I keep my hair bobbed short, and just in the last few months have started to see more greys than I'm fond of. Thing is....I have the STRAIGHTEST hair in the world, but those greys? They're curly like Shirley (Temple). And they're in front of my ears. Like a Hasidic Jew.

    Gettin' old is tough.

  8. Thanks to all y'all for the encouragement. Seems that we draw a "mature" crowd around here, and you all know what I mean about the wiry gray mess.

    Everybody except for Jim.

    Dan, that did cross my mind...just for spite. But, I'd hate to have to maintain all the crap just to make a point to The Mrs. Besides, she might just like it, and I'd be stuck with it until Jesus comes.

  9. So glad the Mrs doesn't read your blog or you'd be in B-I-G trouble! :)

  10. Heh. I was gonna do the usual italic quote thing with your gray hair bits, but no need... everyone else beat the subject to death. That said, it all gets better when the gray turns to white, at which time you can adopt the "distinguished elder statesman" pose. But you'll need accessories to pull that off... tweed jacket, proper spectacles, a Bentley...

    Now about women's hair... YOU brought it up, so I feel free to comment. WHY is it that the FIRST thing a woman does when she turns 50 (or thereabouts) is cut off all her hair? That seems to be a universal truth in America and I just HATE it! It wasn't always this way; it's only been in the last 10-20 years or so that "things" changed. Did I not get the memo? I should have been cc'ed, at the VERY least, so I could have expressed my objections before this became policy. I do NOT approve. (/rant)

  11. Suggested Plan A: Buzzcut your head again, really short. Use it's "abrasiveness" to scratch your wife's back. Maybe she'll 'preciate it enough to change her mind.

    Suggestion Plan B: If you can't buzz the back of your own bean very well, buzz what you can and grow out the back.

    M U L L E T S R U L E !!

  12. Buck, it's a ploy by hairdressers. If they can convince you that you're too old to have long hair they have you hooked for the duration. 'They' made the decision (whoever 'they' are) and the populace followed.

  13. Also, it's not just women who turn 50 or so, a lot of women cut it off right after they get married. What up with that??????

  14. I'm not really sure why I cut my hair. Probably because keeping it long was so time-consuming and having babies around, a job, a husband, and a house took most of my time.

    I don't have a Bentley, so I color the white.

  15. So here's the thing--If she's making you grow your hair back 'cause she likes it, is she gonna grow her hair back for you? I'm with you, love long hair on girls, they shouldn't be allowed to get it cut (unless they're going to donate to locks of love or something like that.)EVER! Maybe trimmed every once in a while or maybe thinned out. But isn't hair hard to take care of for a busy man and a busy woman too? I'm sure all the women out there are gonna love me for this comment! DOHH!! Rambling here, need sleep!!

  16. BTW, I like my buzz cut and so does my wife with her long, red hair (even though she has to color it to hide the white). Sorry you have to grow yours back out, Andy. Crap, still need sleep...........

  17. I like short hair, but not to buzz cut (lack of) length. As for the It is what it is. At least I have hair ;-)

  18. There is some sort of rule with women that they get " too old" for long hair. Not me; I'm gonna be one of those women who braid and twist their long hair up and off their necks. I wanna look like an old hippie, though, rather than a Pentecostal woman, and that's a tough one here in OK.

  19. My fave Andy buzzcut picture is the one where you're wearing that silly purple baseball cap.


Don't cuss nobody out, okay?