MAYBE I JUST AIN'T CUT OUT FOR FILMS...

Y'all that know me well, understand that I have never been a big fan of films. I do like stage plays. I was in one once back in high school. Well, I wasn't actually in the play, but I did move things around, and they let me pull the curtain rope (but that's another story).

But it seems like everybody I know looks at films, and I feel really ignorant not knowing what to say when they start talking about this film, or that film, and on and on. And now they are filming so many new films down here in Louisiana that I thought I might give the films another try. I mean, they are building studios, and sound stages, and a bunch of Hollywood people are around here so much...and I don't want to open my mouth proving ignorance (again).

So, the Mrs. and me were at Office Depot two Fridays ago just sort of "browsing" for a nice anniversary gift for her. We got #29 coming up in April, and I was just getting some "ideas" (you know, sort of seeing what made her eyes "light up"). I think I saw something that caught her eye, but I won't give it away just in case she looks at this (but that's another story).


Anyway, in the strip center where Office Depot is, there is also a "BlockBuster Video" (let me get my word book...) establishment. I knew that the place was just chock full of films. So we walked down there. Now, they've got this real big young white fellow with a funny-looking beard and an earring that works there. But he seemed nice enough when he explained to me how the deal of borrowing films and bringing 'em back works.


So, I filled out all the paperwork. I'll tell you, it was like applying for a kidney transplant to fill it all out. Evidently, I qualified to get a "BlockBuster" credit card thingy. He handed it to me, and I went looking for which film I wanted to look at. I walked around that establishment for about 30 minutes, and didn't see a thing that I wanted to borrow. So, I thanked the real big young white fellow with the earring (and the little, skinny young black fellow with the full "natural") that worked there and left.

I was disappointed for sure. But I was not ready to give up on films. So, I asked a good friend of mine that likes films, "What would be some good films to look at?" He gave me the names of some films, so I went on back to "BlockBuster" video the next Friday, and borrowed 'em.

I've got to tell you, after looking at these films, I remembered why I don't care much for films.

The first one I looked at was "The Confederate States of America." It's a "comedy-documentary" about what America would be like if the Confederacy had won the War of Northern Aggression. I've got to admit that it was pretty funny. But about 35 minutes into it the DVD just quit playing. I thought about calling up BlockBuster to send a technician out, but it was pretty late and I figured they would be closed (plus, I was afraid they might send that real big young white fellow with the funny beard and the earring).

So, the next night I looked at "Cold Mountain." The Box of the DVD says that it won all kind of awards, and something from The New York Times (cough, cough) about "Best Picture Of The Year". Shoot...that was a violent, unrealistic, bizarre, foolish waste of DVD and time. I looked at it for about 30 minutes, and got up to do something worthwhile. The Mrs. looked at it all the way through. And every time I walked through the room somebody was using potty-mouthed language, or killing somebody, or practicing "bad acting" (and doing a good job of it I might add).

So, last night we broke out "Letters From Iwo Jima." Now, this one was highly recommended (they charged more for it at BlockBuster by the way). So I figured it was gonna be great. But the danged thing was in Japanese!!!!! If I'm gonna watch a film, I want to watch it in American!!! Do you know how danged distracting it is to try to look at a film, and have to read the words that a bunch of Japs are saying?

I was over at a buddies' house awhile back, and he accidentally got his TV (he's got the new kind...with color, and remote control) stuck on Closed Captioned TV. We were trying to watch a football game, and the danged words kept running across the bottom...I swear, I couldn't enjoy a minute of it!

Heck, we punched every button on the remote controller...we got Emeril cooking some mushroom lasagne, and some Roman Catholic Nun saying something, and when we were finished punching buttons, John Madden was talking in Mexican...and the danged Closed Caption was running in French!

If you don't believe me, just turn on your Closed Caption thing and you'll see what I'm talking about.

This film was the same way. Why did Clint have to distract the film viewer with having to read every single, danged word that the Japs said on Iwo Jima? Besides, I know what happened there. We tanned their little yellow fannies, and the US flag got raised, and somebody took a picture, and we built a statue, and we're all buddies now, dangit!!!!

I stayed with it as long as I could, but by about 10 o'clock, I couldn't read anymore and drifted on off to sleep (reading always helps me go to sleep).

So, I guess I just ain't cut out for films. I've got one more film from BlockBuster to look at tonight before they are all due back tomorrow (by five).

It is "The Assassination of Richard Nixon."

Truthfully, I am going into this film with a bad attitude. I always try to go into everything with an open mind, hoping to enjoy the moment. But these films I have looked at seem like a big old waste of time. And, I know Richard Nixon did not get assassinated. So, I'm pretty sure it is (let me get my word book...) fiction.

I just hope it's in American.