Dry spell...

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It happens.  

I haven't had much worth posting lately. 


Truth is, I've been forcing what I DO post.


Sure, I've got a million thoughts on the Presidential Election, Limbaugh's slut deal, and a gozillion really funny pitchers.


It just seems that when I get a few minutes to sit down to write/post/whatever, none of it seems all that valuable.  


Now, this is odd...For over four years, I've posted junk whether it was valuable or not.


But now...


Not so much.


Hey, here's a pitcher of a desperate canine!

I reckon when you're that ugly, you'll take what you can get.


Here's a pretty funny joke about a gal going to a nymphomaniac convention!   (I told this one today, and all the ladies just laughed like hyenas).


Truth is, I've got something on my mind that I can't seem to figure out a way to write about on an open glob.


Maybe I'll just hand write it out on a piece of paper...read it a couple of times...maybe keep it in the nightstand to look back at, or throw it away.


It's been a loooooooooong time since I've used the "write something out by hand therapy" deal.  


I know it works.


At least it helps.


Hey, here's a great poster of a raccoon making a statement that we all wish we'd have said at one time, or wish someone had said to us before we made a complete ass of ourselves.

Okay, so it ain't really a 'coon.


But, I think I'll take the advice anyway...

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DON'T DRINK AND DRIVE!!!

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So, this buddy of mine, Arnold, called me the other day.  Arnold is kind of a hick, but has a heart of gold, and would saw off his right arm for you.  Anyway, we were talking about various things, and he said, "Andy, you're gonna be proud of me."


So, I asked him why.  He said, "Man, the other night I went out running the bars, and really tied one on.  I ain't proud of it, but I was double-sloshed.  I don't think I've ever been that wasted.  And, I did something I've NEVER done before.  I left my pickup at the bar, and took a bus home."


I was proud.  I told Arnold that I was, and that he had certainly made a wise decision.  It seemed to make him happy.


Then he continued, "Yep, I arrived home safe, and sound...which is kind of a miracle in itself, seein' as I never had drove a bus before!"

Okay...you might not be laughing now, but you'll be telling that one to somebody before dark.  (Feel free to punch it up any way you see fit).

Nyuk (#838)...and a possible "Nyuk" to boot.

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Our buddy, and Oregon Duck fan, Paul the Fireguy sends this one along...

A man is stopped by the police around 3 a.m. and is asked where he's going at this time of night.

The man replies, “I'm going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body.”

The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”

The man replies, “My wife.”

That one reminded me of an old joke my beloved Granddaddy told me once...

These two rednecks are driving down the highway at night drinking beer.  Coming up behind them, Leroy sees blue lights flashing, and knows he's about to be pulled over.   So, he turns to Cletus and says, "Do what I do."  

As he pulls the truck to a stop, Leroy peels the label off his beer bottle, and sticks it on his forehead.  Cletus follows suit, and waits for the deputy to approach the vehicle.  The deputy peers in with his flashlight, and sees beer bottles all over the cab, the strange sight of Leroy and Cletus with Pabst labels on their foreheads, and asks, "Hey!  You boys been drinkin' tonight?"


Leroy answers, "Nawsir!  Nosirreee!"  So, the deputy asks, "What in the world is that on your forehead?"  


To which Leroy replies, chuckling, "Oh, this?  Officer, I understand your concern.  Truth is, we're alcoholics, and we're on the patch..."

They're pretty, but...(#29)

Dr. Jill sends this along...

Monday - 

It's fun to cook for Steve. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me the extra bowls. 

Tuesday -

He wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress.  What a surprise when he brought a friend home for supper.

Wednesday -

A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway.  I can't say it improved the rice any. 




Thursday -

Today he asked for salad again I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Steve asked me why I was rolling around  in the garden...I showed him the recipe instructions. 

Friday -

I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it... There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back,everything was the same as when I left. 

Saturday -

He did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday.  I don't have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason he keeps counting to ten. 



Sunday -

I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius... I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment. 
GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe . If I can talk him into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose. 
 
 

I CAN NOT BELIEVE THIS!!!

Well, I reckon that I ought to be able to believe it, because I know it to be true for a fact.

I got in to a computer letter discussion with our Regular Contributor, and beloved friend, Dr. Jill today (we love her even if she is a Vol fan).  By the way, we are extremely proud, and happy for Dr. Jill behind her fabrulous news of being tagged to run a really big ol' projeck for her company.  You may now stand and applaud!

In said discussion, I mentioned that I would drop her a link from this Titanic of a blog to an extremely funny joke that I had posted before, that applied to our discussion, if I could find it.

Well, it seems that even though I have done a thorough search of this Titanic, (overturning every deck chair, looking through every crook and nanny, and even down into the fuel tanks and commodes) that I can not find this fabulous joke anywhere.  I thought about looking in the life rafts, but I got worn out and just decided to do my best to remember it real good, and write it out.  Then, I realized that I REALLY NEVER HAVE POSTED THIS JOKE, but I've written it out in many computer letters to my good friends in computer letters.

In computer letters.

Man...that was a long intro, huh?

So, this 85 year old man walks in to a Catholic Church...  

Wait a minute, I must give credit for this joke to my beloved Granddaddy Austin.  I have told y'all about him before.  He was the funniest man I ever knew.  I have about a gozillion stories stored up in my rapidly balding cranium that he told me.  He was a Tarheel, that grew up on a pig farm near Charlotte stinkin' North Carolina (just warming up for College Football season).  I'm pretty sure Granddaddy told me this story, but it could have been his baby brother, my beloved Uncle Ed (who is still living).  Not sure.  But, it was one of them.  Or, maybe it was somebody else.  Not sure.

Man...that was a long credit-giving dealie, huh?

So, this 85 year old man walks in to a Catholic Church... 

Wait a minute.  I need to give a disclaimer ahead of this.  I am not, nor have I ever been a member of the Roman Catholic Church.  And as far as I know my beloved Granddaddy Austin, or his baby brother Uncle Ed never were either (actually I'm not sure that either one of them told me this joke, so this may not matter.  But, it might.  Not sure)  So, if some of the terminology in this joke is wrong, or some of the Roman Catholic Church protocol seems to be broadly stepped on, or misused, please accept my apology up front, because I obviously don't know what I'm durrin' here.  When it comes to Roman Catholic stuff.   If you are a Roman Catholic.

Just sayin'...

Man...that was a long disclaimer for this Roman Catholic joke deal here, huh?

So, this 85 year old man walks in to a Catholic Church...

He makes his way to the confessional booth, and sits down.  Behind the screen the Priest sits, and the old man begins to speak.  "Bless me Father, for I have sinned."

The Priest says, "go on."


The 85 year old man says, "Father, I was driving down County Road 402 yesterday, and I saw a car broken down, and two young ladies trying to figure out how to change their flat tire.  They could not have been any older than 20, and I figured I'd better stop and help them.  I'm glad I did, because they didn't even know that there was a spare under the flatboard in the trunk, and obviously they would have never found the jack."


"So, I pulled the spare out, jacked the car up, and changed the tire.  When I got finished, the young ladies were very grateful, so they asked me to follow them to the Rainbow Motel so that they could show their gratitude.  I figured I'd better follow them to make sure the little spare tire would make it there.  

When we got to the Motel, they took me inside, undressed, and jumped me.  I had wild, passionate sex with both of them for most of the afternoon.  I realized I couldn't go home to my wife of 65 years with the scent of young women upon me.  So, I decided to take a shower.  While I was in there, both of them roused from their slumber, and joined me in the shower.  After a wild night of passionate sex with both of them, I finally managed to escape the Motel room about daybreak...leaving them both in a pool of sweat and ecstasy."


The Catholic Priest was somewhat shocked by it all, but held it together and told the old man, "This is a very serious sin.  You must say 15 Hail Marys, and put two hundred dollars in the poor box."


The old man thanked the Priest, and started to leave the Confessional Booth.  But, as he was leaving, the Priest stopped him.  He said, "Before you go, I need to ask you a question, my son.  I do not ever remember seeing you here before.  Are you new to this Parish?"


The old fellow replied, "Aw hell...I ain't a Catholic.  I'm just telling anybody that will listen."

The trouble with doctors...

From infrequent contributor,  Dr. Jill...

I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse started with certain basics.

"How much do you weigh?" she asked.
 
"135," I said.
 
The nurse put me on the scale.

It turns out my weight is 180..

The nurse asked, "Your height?"
 
"5 foot 4," I said.
 
The nurse checked and saw that I only measure 5' 2."

She then took my blood pressure and told me that it was very high.

"Of course it's high!" I screamed, 'When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"

She put me on Prozac.

What a bitch.

Sunday Morning Sermon...

From PeaGreen...

A Thought to Brighten Your Day! When you are down in the dumps and think you have real problems, just remember: