So, just how bad IS the Pac-10? #53 (Updated...I'm a monor!)

(Update) In the comments, Buck said, "Andy you are a moron! OU won over Stanford, you idiot!" Of course, I know, because I watched the game. I meant to write, "OU was unable to avoid a win over the Red thingy..." Sigh. (End of update)

I just finished watching the Sun Bowl. As an uninterested observer, I can say for sure that Stanford has just become "exhibit F" in our quest to discover just how bad the Pac-10 is.

Just watching from the outside, I realized that almost EVERYONE in El Paso wanted Stanford to win this game. Stanford's miserable excuse for a football team did, of course. The referees (I'm sure highly bribed) did. The "replay" jokers in the booth (I'm assuming also highly bribed) did.

And, at times it seemed that the OU players wanted Stanford to win...making some of the most bone-headed, flag-waving plays I have seen in a long time.

Despite racking up something like 1,400 yards on offense to Stanford's...what...72?...maybe, and smashing some supposed "Heisman" candidate's ribs to jelly...

...OU was unable to avoid a loss to the Red thingy (I still don't know if it's a bird, or a color).

Let us remember, my friends, that this Stanford team (that OU tried really hard not to beat today) destroyed the Rubbers of USC by 34 points not long ago.

This Stanford team was 6-3 in the Pac-10, beat USC, and actually beat the Pac-10 champion, Oregon Ducks. So, I must assume that true "parity" has been achieved in the Pac-10. And that assumption leads me to the further assumption that a team that finishes in a tie for 3rd place in the Big 12 South (If I've lost you, I'm talking about the Sooners) can mop up the field with ANY team in the Pac-10, regardless of how deep the cards are stacked against 'em...and their own stupid mistakes...and all. (Man...that was a long sentence)

So, I conclude that no team in the Pac-10 would ever finish better than fifth place in either the Big 12 North, or Big 12 South.

Of course, they would not even finish as high as "last place" in the SEC (east, or west), because they would never be admitted. Just sayin'...

Happy New Year Y'all!

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that the Pac-10 sucks.

Bwahahahahahahahaha!!!!

I could be wrong, but I think these are Rubber Ducks. Some of you military guys can set me straight if I'm wrong. I'm not real familiar with military terminology, so please feel free.

Oh man, am I laughing!!!

Go over and look at this post by Curtis Stone on his blog. The Scrap Metal Buyback Program. Also, be sure and hit the link he provides to the original article.

Bwahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!

Before 2010 gets here, I'd better wrap up Christmas junk.

Christmas presents...

I am one of those people (probably like most of you) that don't need squat!

I have got one of everything I need, and two of everything I don't. So, at Christmas, I always tell the kids, and The Mrs. not to get me anything. They normally oblige. But, this Christmas, I got two gifts that have really put a grin on my ugly old face. There is a story behind each, and I will try to be brief (which will take true effort on my part) in sharing them.

I love my little future daughter-in-law. She can not know (yet) just how happy it makes a parent for their children to find as "the love of their life" a doer, not a sitter...a worker, not a sloth...a giver, not a taker...etc. And, I believe that we have become "friends." She is far wiser than, and her maturity certainly eclipses, her 21 years. If you can't tell...we like her.

I hope she feels the same way.

In these last many months while Phil was away joining up with the Army, and learning to be a Medic, she and I have had many discussions about ME! I like to talk about me. And, the thrust of many of these discussions have been about the FACT that I truly struggle (and have always struggled) with keeping my mouth shut when it comes to "instructing" my sons...and really everybody else for that matter. It is very difficult for me not to jump in...give my opinion about their decisions...give unasked for advice, etc.

You see, I understand that my kids need to "make their own mistakes." And, that's fine. But, the "father" in me doesn't want them to make "my mistakes."

I have made a commitment to The Mrs., and have shared it with future daughter-in-law to just bite my tongue, offer support, and basically speak when spoken to...answer only when asked. So, she knows much of my history with the boys now, and she gave me a gift that when I opened it on Christmas morning made me truly laugh out loud.

She gave me a book (she's an English major in college, btw).

I started reading it a couple of nights ago, and have worked my way through the "B's." I highly recommend it (even though I already knew all that stuff...nyuk).

The second gift that has really made me smile came from The Mrs. For many years, we lived in an area where there was no television signal. Oh...you could catch the CBS affiliate 200 miles away when the weather was good, but for the most part, all of our television viewing was on VHS tapes. Our boys memorized John Wayne movies, Jimmy Stewart films, etc. But one of our favorite VHS tape films had vanished somewhere in the moves over the years.

On Christmas morning, I opened up a DVD of what I believe to be one of the funniest, corniest (I mean...strip the silk corny) films ever made, "No Time For Sergeants," starring Andy Griffith. Man, we broke that rascal out on Christmas night, and just hee-hawed! Each time I watch it, I will imagine the three oldest boys gathered around, eating popcorn, laughing, quoting lines ahead of the tape...

Good times...good memories...

There are dozens of clips from it on The YouTube, so it's hard to pick just one. Check 'em out for yourself. Or better yet, rent the sucker or buy one on the computer. You'll want to thank me. But don't bother...

2009 was...

Um...LONG!

At 50 years of age, I have discovered that the old folks were right when they said that time passes much more quickly as you get older. (I know exactly why that phenomenon occurs, but I won't take time to share it with you right now.)

But, at least in my world...this year seemed to be one of the longest I have lived in a good while. Not sure why. I imagine it is due to my discontent with our government (at almost every level), and the Bozos that wake up every morning figuring out new and creative ways to screw us to a pole.

You might be asking yourself what Insect Festival 2009 has to do with this post. Absolutely nothing. I just bet you didn't know they had one of their own, so I posted it to prove it to ya'. Learned something today, didn't ya'? Don't bother to thank me.

A good chuckle came my way this morning when I read Dave Barry's year in review: 2009

While I don't share Barry's opinion that the demise of newspapers is a bad thing, I found the piece very entertaining. I hope you will, too.

It was a year of Hope -- at first in the sense of ``I feel hopeful!'' and later in the sense of ``I hope this year ends soon!''

It was also a year of Change, especially in Washington, where the tired old hacks of yesteryear finally yielded the reins of power to a group of fresh, young, idealistic, new-idea outsiders such as Nancy Pelosi. As a result Washington, rejecting ``business as usual,'' finally stopped trying to solve every problem by throwing billions of taxpayer dollars at it and instead started trying to solve every problem by throwing trillions of taxpayer dollars at it.

(Go read the whole thing. You'll want to thank me...but don't bother.)

Dog House...wrapping up old bidniss...

Hey y'all! Hugs, kisses, yada yada yada...

I had told y'all that #3 son got himself a one year-old Golden Retriever from the pound for Christmas.

Jake, the Wonder Dog! (that's him on the lower right)

Jake is a funny dog. Two days ago, a whole bunch of young adults were here and decided to play on Paul's new trampoline. Jake was over in our back yard. That hound jumped up on the perimeter of the trampoline, and circled the whole deal until he found the door in the netting, and made his way into all the fun. Man, did those kids have a time!


I had also told y'all that Phil was working on a really cool house for Jake. Well, he got it finished yesterday. Now, Phil has never built a dog house before (but it's quite likely that he will spend a night or two in one in the future...if you know what I mean...). So, I think he did a danged good job.

Cool dog house, with a porch & everything...

Now, Phil and I have both built stuff before, but we have never roofed. My wetback neighbor across the street (who is a great neighbor, and a fabulous roofer) gave us the shingles, and tar paper to finish off the top. I think we did pretty danged good, even if I do say so myself!

Yesterday morning, Phil, me, and my Daddy moved Jake's new quarters to Phil's back yard. I do not know exactly how much the dog house weighs. But, I can tell you this for sure...

The roof might leak, but it will take an F-4 tornado (or better) to move the sucker one inch...

Senator Foster Brooks Roasts Health Care Reform...(Updated...Foster Brooks responds)

Update: Senator (cough cough) Max Baucus' office has responded to allegations that he was three sheets to the wind while roasting the health care deform bill.

According to Emily's Post on Politics Daily, Maxieeeeee's ofix ishued this state ment:

"When his friend of 30 years Ted Kennedy, with whom he had fought so hard to provide health care to children, was being used as a cheap foil to oppose health care reform, Senator Baucus gave a passionate defense. Unfortunately, those who want to kill any meaningful reform, turned it into an unfounded, untrue personal smear internet rumor. This is beyond the pale and this type of gutter politics has no place in the public sphere. It is this type of slander that makes Montanans, and Americans, disgusted with the politics as usual in Washington. And what is even more sad is that such a personal attack would be given any validity at all, let alone being elevated to the status of "news".

See, I told y'all Max was taking up the mantle of Uncle Teddy. (End of update)

Just in case you missed it, Senator Max Baucus (Dimwit - North Dakota) hit the egg nog a little early.

After all, this was Uncle Teddy's pet issue. I reckon somebody has to take up his mantle, now that he's in a warmer place.

Heh!

The only game in town...(Updated...I found that picture of General Bradley)

General Omar N. Bradley receiving the first Independence Bowl "Spirit of Independence" Award. The award was renamed in his honor after his death. (other winners...an impressive list)

Hey y'all! Hugs, kisses, yada yada yada...

Shreveport will be in the college football spotlight, as we host the only bowl game in College football today. This will be the 34th edition of the Independence Bowl, to be played at Independence Stadium in Shreveport, LA.

I was working as a photographer for the Louisiana Tech student newspaper in 1977, and shot a fabulous picture of General Omar Bradley at the 2nd annual I-Bowl. That year, the Bowl Committee initiated an annual award, naming it "The Omar N. Bradley Spirit of Independence Award." It is always a very patriotic ceremony, and quite uplifting. In the past, men such as John Wayne, and President Reagan have received the award in Shreveport.

(I know I have a copy of it, and if I can find that picture today, I'll put it up on the computer later. He was quite frail, and in a wheel chair. But, it was cool for an 18-year-old to be that close to a legendary hero like the General).

This year, the award is being presented to The National Football Foundation. I'm sure their work is worthy of the award.

Over the years, the bowl has had it's ups and downs. Truthfully, last year I predicted the demise of the game after all we could draw was Louisiana Tech v. Northern Illinois. But, I give big old tip of the ball caps to the Bowl Committee. They were able to find a good sponsor in the AdvoCare company...and drew two teams for an SEC v. Big 12 matchup.

The game is a sell-out, which is good for the area, and for TV.

The game today features Georgia v. Texas A & M. It ought to be a good one, and worth looking at. Kickoff is set for 5 pm Eastern on ESPN II.

I'm going with the Bulldogs. The Aggies losses have been huge for the most part, but they played well against Texas, so they might be peaking. We'll see. Regardless, y'all enjoy the game. I know I will.

I hope that boy remembered his sweater...

Well, eldest son, and his wife took off yesterday for Omaha, NE. They made it to her Grandma's house in Ravia, OK about 7 pm, and will head on out either today, or tomorrow for their new station.

I think the roads should be clear by now, but DANG! Y'all ain't in Monterey anymore, younguns!

Check out Thursday and Friday...

(click on it)

I'm gonna quit bitchin' about being cold. Probably. Maybe. Probably not...

Is Urban Meyer...

...the new Brett Favre?

Or, maybe Roger Clemens?

Just askin'...

Link stolen without permission from Basil.

Wouldn't a warm, sunny beach be nice about now?

Walt has been reading this pitiful little blog since Day 1, and is a valued relative, friend, and contributor.

Over these many years, he has heard me say (or read me type) probably no less than 4 million times that I. HATE. COLD. WEATHER!

He knows how much I love the sunshine, the beach, and all things 80 & above.

So, in an almost cruel act, he sent me a photo that really made me pine for el calor del sol.










I love him, and he knows I do, but sometimes Walt can be awfully cruel...

Sunday Morning Junk.

Hi y'all! Hugs, kisses, yada yada yada...

Number One son, and his wife are still visiting, but leaving today for Omaha, Nebraska for Dean to start his job at Offutt. I hear that it's just lovely. Especially right now.

Just throwing some pictures out from yesterday, mostly for me.

Sons 1 & 3, and their ladies

And, lookie here what #3 son got himself for Christmas...

Jake!

Jake is an almost one year old Golden Retriever that Phil adopted from the pound. It's been too cold to leave Jake outside at night, so he spent two nights with Sadie. I know they ain't married or nothing, but they're both fixed, so I'm pretty sure it's not a sin. They're getting along real good, too.

Phil has been working on a really cool dog house that should be finished today. I'll show y'all when he gets finished.

I had told y'all about my trampoline troubles. Well, problems no more! With the help of these two gentlemen, we got her all put together in about an hour and a half. Not bad.

Mechanical Geniuses!

See, it works!

That's #4 son. I think he likes it. He wore himself out on it yesterday, and hit the sack about 7 last night. I think The Mrs. had her a danged good idear... I haven't had my turn on it yet, but that's coming this afternoon, after it clears out around here (and warms up a bit).

Kids! Hogging all the fun...

Well, y'all have a good day.

Oh hey! Just in case you missed it over at Patrick Conlon's blog...this is an amazing story.

Okay...now, I'm finished.

Urban Meyer resigns...

I hear that Bobby Bowden's available.

How'd they do this?

Stay with this one...



It just goes to show how easy it will be to manipulate history if the truly sinister lay hold of complete power...

Nyuk!

My brother-in-law is an ex-Big Biz executive from Dallas, that has moved back to, and is reclaiming the old family farm near Ozark, Arkansas. Rural life is, of course, much different from the Big Town.

He was here for Christmas yesterday, and told me that he was at the Co-Op, and ran into a couple of guys he knows. One is about 30, & the other about 20. They were talking, and some guy walked past wearing some funky-looking shoes that they all noticed.

After the fellow was out of ear-shot, my brother-in-law said, "You don't see too many metrosexuals around Ozark."

The other fellows didn't respond for a while. But, then the 20 year old asked, "Ken, does that mean he's got boy parts, and girl parts, too?" Brother-in-law kept a straight face, and figured it was useless to try to explain "metrosexual." So, he replied, "Well Louis, if he did have both kind of parts, which kind would you like to see?"

Big-eyed, Louis said, "Ken...I think I'd like to see them girl ones."

Tramp troubles...

No, not a "tramp" like a hobo.

The Mrs. decided to buy a trampoline for our youngest son as a Christmas gift. He seemed pretty pleased with the choice when he opened it yesterday morning. But, he's a little under the weather, so he wasn't just spoiling to get it put together. Plus, we were due at The Mrs. In-law's for Christmas lunch/gift junk about noon, so we decided not to mess with it yesterday.

We got back home yesterday about an hour before dark, and I was kinda bored so I figured I'd break it open and see what I was in for. Well, lo and behold, it comes with an instructional DVD that accompanies the assembly instructions, so I popped it in the player. The first five minutes of the DVD are about "safety" precautions as you assemble your trampoline, and the tools you will need.

I should have known I was in trouble when I see and read in the book that all the tools that are required are a Phillips screwdriver, and an 8/16" socket wrench. Now, I am quite sure that I have EVERY imaginable socket (standard & metric, shallow & deep). But I truly doubt that I have an 8/16" socket. However, the instructions say that you can use an adjustable wrench instead. Good.

It also seems that as a safety precaution, one should wear a welding mask, kevlar vest, and steel-toed boots while assembling the trampoline. Cool...got all that!

So, I watched as a woman assembled the frame for the tramp in about 2 minutes. It was almost dark, but I decided to go ahead on and at least get the frame together. And sure enough, it only took me about 15 minutes to identify all the pieces, lay them out, screw them & snap them together.

Only one problem. That frame is so rickety, I would not bounce a 3 pound cat on it. I saw the problem actually while I was putting it together. There is a manufacturing/design flaw that will require some minor modification, which I did not feel like tackling last night. I'm going to need some of those good self-drilling 5/16" head screws & with minor effort, it will be fine. Of course, nothing is open on Christmas (as it should be).

My local True Value store will open at 8, and I should be in business by 8:30. Hey, I just thought about it...since I've got to go to the hardware store anyway, I'll check and see if they have an 8/16" socket. I'll bet they do.

I'll show y'all a picture of this when I get it all finished up. Have a great day, everybody!

"Home" for Christmas...

I will wish you each and every one a Merry Christmas on this day. I started to write a post for Christmas, and decided to look back at what I had written last Christmas.

I think I said it pretty well last year. A couple of facts are different this Dec. 25. Three of my sons, and one daughter-in-law, and a daughter-in-law to be are here this year. The young man that lives with us (he's been here 3 years now) has gone to Virginia for Christmas to be with friends. But that's about all that is different.

I still feel the same way about being "home" for Christmas.

Y'all have a blessed one. I love you each and every one...even Mr. Anonymous that calls me ugly names, and the chink that leaves spam about viagra. I mean it.

Christmas Week...Don't sound like a bad idear at all!

"Let's be naughty...and save Santa the trip!"

- Gary Allan

So, just how bad IS the Pac-10?

I have been trying to actually put thoughts to words about the last two nights of college football. But, I am truly stumped.

The morons at ESPN are so stupid that it must take them two hours to watch Sixty Minutes. They probably think a Quarterback is a refund. I read an article on their site discussing BYU & Utah's thumping of Oregon State, and Cal (which I will not link to). I would bet that this bozo watches The Three Stooges, just to take notes.

Let me give you a quote: The Pac-10, thought by many to be the nation's best conference -- top-to-bottom -- this season, certainly hasn't looked the part while starting the bowl season 0-2.

Please! Is there anyone with half of a brain that thought the Pac-10 was worth a bucket of warm spit this season...or maybe even the last decade...or two?

As the bowl season unfolds, we will likely find out just how BAD the Pac-10 is, and this moron at ESPN's "surprise" at their weakness may finally match up with what the rest of the thinking world already knows.

Moron...

Christmas Week...Serious business!

"If you kids don't shut up and go to sleep, I'm taking back EVERY present under that damn tree!"

- Your Momma

Hero goes to Heaven...

Col. Robert L. Howard

Col. Robert L. Howard, considered to be the most decorated US soldier has died in Waco, TX. after losing a battle with pancreatic cancer. He was 70.

Go read about this man.

Christmas Week...HO! HO! HO!

Well, C. Everett Koop would say "NO! NO! NO!"

"I'm sending Chesterfields to all my friends..."

- Ronald Wilson Reagan

Heh! At least there is no unpleasant after-taste.

Christmas Week...Don't blow your bonus!

"What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day."

- Phyllis Diller

Straight No Chaser...

It's that time of the year again. No matter how often I see this, I always get a kick out of it.

"Glydo" is cool.

My friend Two Dogs the Mean ol' Meany, Paul Mitchell turned me on to Glydo. He said it was awesome. It is a Firefox plug-in that grabs web content related to what you're reading (related stories, videos, tweets, etc.), and displays links to them on demand.

I installed it this morning, and so far, I concur! It's cool...

Christmas Week...Don't Start Too Early!

"Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven."

- W. C. Fields

Christmas Week...Wednesday junk

Once upon a time (way, way back...but not really...) there was this guy named Andy. And, he decided to make an offer to everyone who has access to the world-wide computer.

It went like this:

Okay, I will give anybody an airplane ticket (round trip), a two night's stay at the 'Horseshoe Casino and Hotel' in Bossier City, a limo ride to my house (and anywhere else you'd like to go beforehand), and THREE WHOLE DOLLARS (American) if you will just show up here and blow my brains out.

I'll provide the .45 to accomplish it. It is registered to me, so it can't be traced back to you. You can just jump back in the limo...head back to the SHV Airport, and wing your way back home. You will get back home for Christmas before my lifeless (happy) body is reported to the Po-leese.

Trust me, you will! Trust me.

You can even take a roll of The Mrs. world famous cheese log, seeing as they'll have some extra with me dead.

I had showed y'all my Angel Trumpet...but now it looks like this.

Have I mentioned before that I hate cold weather?

I started to prune the ugly thing at the ground, but The Mrs. was like "NO...NO...NO...it didn't come back out tall and pretty this year, because you cut it down way too early last winter. You've got to let all the sap run back into the ground before you cut it. Moron!" So, I'll have to keep looking at that ugly thing for a while.

Now, this is cool! Talk about a Christmas block party! A group of neighbors in Murietta, California decided to put on a Christmas light presentation. I'm thinking that at least one of those neighbors on Bainbridge Circle has some expertise in this kind of junk.





My #3 son's future mother-in-law is coming in today from Tennessee to spend Christmas with her daughter (and us). I like her a lot. She and The Mrs. get along well. I think #3 son is a little nervous, because it's been several years since he's seen her, and he was just in Junior High Middle School. But, it will be fine. She loves her daughter, and if her daughter loves Phil, so will Mom.

Well, y'all have a good Wednesday! I love y'all! I really do.

Christmas Week...True!

"The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband. "

- Joan Rivers

Stonehenge

Well, kinda...

Buck wrote a post about the Winter Solstice, and mentioned Stonehenge. It reminded me of this video. I have posted it before, but you may have never seen it. Some retired guy in Michigan thinks he's figured out how it was built.

It's interesting.

Christmas Week...Bad Santa! Bad! Bad! Bad!

"I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph."

- Shirley Temple

Penn State "Marketing" grad opens strip club in State College...

Well, I reckon at least the old boy knows his clientele.

Probably hired 3 cheerleaders...

It's good to be loved...

I got a touching computer letter from a dear friend today, and it truly made my glasses fog up. In fact, I'm still having trouble with my vision.

Since I love y'all so much, I thought I'd share the love.

"I Thought Of You..."

WHEN I ASKED MYSELF WHO MIGHT

NEED AN ANGEL TODAY, I THOUGHT

OF YOU!!!

A friend had this angel, and didn't want her, so he sent her to me.

I don't want her, so I'm sending her to you!

The rules are simple: You can send her anywhere, but you can't send her back!!!

As we head toward elections in 2010...

We can be sure that the Democrats are not going to be happy to just screw us ALL over with health care "deform."

They will soon be coming with "amnesty" for illegals!

Just think...in 2010, this guy could cancel out Two Dogs' Paul's vote.

My friends, we are in dookie deep...

Christmas Week...My, how things have changed!

"Through Jesus Christ the world will yet be a better and a fairer place. This faith sustains us today as it has sustained mankind for centuries past. This is why the Christmas story, with the bright stars shining and the angels singing, moves us to wonder and stirs our hearts to praise. Now, my fellow countrymen, I wish for all of you a Christmas filled with the joy of the Holy Spirit, and many years of future happiness with the peace of God reigning upon this earth."

- Harry S. Truman

Heh! Here, take mine! I'm not using it!

NFL to Ask Players To Donate Brains For Study...

Maybe the NCAA should ask the BCS geniuses to donate theirs, too!

Just thought I'd screw with your head...

Whoever put that together can't spell worth a darn, but it is weird.

How about another one...


No, the picture is not moving. Just stare at one spot, and you'll see.

Here's a picture I stole from somebody. I don't remember who, but it was probably you. So, thanks!



I think it might be a young Chuck Norris. Not sure...

Oh, I remember now. It was Buck I stole it from. Thanks Buck! The rest of y'all can consider yourselves "un-thanked" now.

If you didn't figure it out already, I'm bored...and, enjoying it. It's nice to be bored for a change. Christmas hubbub, BAD! Bored, GOOD! Words to live by, my friends...words of truth!

But, it sounds like the world is waking up around Andy's Place, so "bored" is over with for the day. Y'all have a great Sunday! Do a good deed. And, don't punch somebody right square in the nose, or nothing...

I had forgot to tell y'all about Friday night...

I woke up on Saturday morning, and my gut felt like I had been beaten severely with rebar for several hours, due to the fact that I had laughed so hard on Friday night.

The whole family went on Friday night (even The Mrs. In-Law) to see the Tim Hawkins Holiday Show. The guy is stinkin' hilarious! And, I can say without a doubt that this was the most fun I have had throughout this season of "joy."

For an hour and 45 minutes, the sold-out auditorium erupted in continual laughter. His comedy is off-beat, clean, and so very "familiar" to us 40-50 somethings. But, that didn't stop even the young kids, teenagers, twenty-thirty somethings, and even the old folks from snot-inducing laughter. He had something for EVERYBODY.

He's a good guitarist, too, and does a lot of song parodies...and hilarious original songs. His show is extremely high energy. If he is ever performing anywhere near you, and you just want to go have some good, clean (the most potty-mouth word he used was "fart") fun...take advantage of the opportunity. You won't be sorry. Trust me.

After an hour and a half or so of side-splitting comedy, he ended the show with this number. Check out some of his other videos on The YouTube...they'll make you giggle.

I think Walt is giving me strange dreams...

No, that's not Walt. Trust me, I know him, and it's not him. Walt sent me this picture. It's a turtle dressed up like a hamburger. Or, a hamburger disguised as a turtle. Not sure which...but I think it's giving me odd dreams.

I dream a lot. I don't usually remember my dreams, so I guess I'm not sure whether I dream a lot or not. Just sayin'...

But, I had three dreams last night that I distinctly remember. And, one of them was really odd. Perhaps y'all can analyze it for me, and tell me just how screwed up I am.

I dreamed that I was murdering somebody. I had my hands wrapped around their throat, and was squeezing the life out of them. I could see the sheer terror in their eyes, and then nothing...lifeless. Now, that's not the really odd dream, because there is a distinct likelihood that this is going to happen. Soon.

In the second dream that I remember, I was trying to get upstairs to my garage apartment. I have an apartment above my detached garage. We've never rented it out to anyone, but one or two of the boys lived up there at various times when they were teenagers, and all still at home. It was nice for them, and for us...if you know what I mean.

There is a very substantial steel stairway leading up to it, with a welded rail around the landing. But, for some reason, I got out my extension ladder and extended it up to the landing from the side. I climbed the ladder, and when I got to the landing, I was afraid to grab the rail, and leap over on to it from the extension ladder. So, I came back down the ladder, moved it, and just laid it down on the stairs. Then, I climbed the ladder as it lay on the stairs all the way up to the landing. Success!

But that's not the really odd dream. No, I dreamed that I was getting married to The Mrs. again. We weren't youngsters...no, we were our current age. I don't know if she had finally divorced me, and I had come crawling, begging her to take me back, or what. The dream didn't say.

But, we were planning a wedding. And, I don't think it was one of those "renewal of your vows" deals, either. Then again...the dream didn't say. The wedding was going to be held at a little church out in the country. Now, this is odd, because we don't go to a little church in the country...and her Momma doesn't, and my Momma & Daddy don't really either. (at least not to this particular little church)

And, everybody was here at Andy's Place...all the kids had made it home for the big wedding. So, about an hour before the wedding, my oldest son calls me and says, "Dad, I'm out here at the church, and we've got a big problem. There are turtles everywhere. I mean, everywhere! They're all over the parking lot, and walking down the aisle, and up in the choir loft. They're just streaming up out of this little bayou that runs by the church, and taking over the whole place."

Just as a side note, we have a lot of turtles in Louisiana. Especially when you get down in central & south Louisiana, they are everywhere. You'll be driving down the highway, and here they come...moseyin' across the road at a turtle's pace. And, you don't really want to smash 'em because they can screw up a tire, or your wheel alignment. But, I'll tell you what's fun! If you get really good at it, you can clip those rascals right on the rear end, and then look in your rearview mirror, and watch 'em spin around like a top right in the middle of the highway. Man, that's fun, but I digress.

Anyway, my oldest son's wife was just about to leave for the church, so I asked her if she would stop by WalMart, and buy some "Turtle repellent." She said she would. Well, she calls me back, and says that they're all out of turtle repellent, and asks what to do. I tell her to just go on to the church, and I'll check at the Hardware Store on my way out there.

Well, I stop by my local True Value Hardware store, and sure enough they have plenty of turtle repellent in stock. So, I get two cans of it and head out to the church. By the time I get there, I'll swear that place was packed with turtles. My son was right...I mean, it was like a turtle hatchery or something. So, I hand one can to #3 son, and tell him to fire away. But when he squeezes down on the trigger, it doesn't shoot out a stream like wasp spray...no, just a fine, misty fog.

Then I realized it! I had bought "repellent," not "turtle killing spray." Duh! So, everybody in the wedding party had to be sprayed down...just like you would for mosquitoes, or chiggers before a picnic in the woods. And, as the guests arrived, my #2 son stood in the foyer & sprayed 'em down with repellent, too.

I guess it worked pretty good, because nobody got attacked, or bit or nothing. At least if they did, they didn't let on like they had been. But, it was a beautiful wedding.

Weird...

Okay...I'm going to jail!

I've had all I can stands! I can't stands no more!

Please send any futher correspondence to:

Andy Reeves
c/o Louisiana State Penitentiary
ya' know...the little gray haired, old guy that killed somebody...
Angola, LA

I AM SO FREAKIN' SICK OF BEING COLD...

I'm like, CRAP! Even on a beautiful, sunshine filled day...the freakin' wind is kicking our butts, and I can not get warm.

This is Louisiana, Dangit!!! Winter doesn't start until next Monday.

I hate Al Gore. I know that "hate" is a strong word, and an evil emotion.

But, I hate him.

Clearing up what's "wrong" with your Blog stats...

If you do not maintain a blog, and you just happened by here, this will be of ZERO interest to you.

But, if you do...and you are one of the bloggers that I regularly visit (you know who you are), I am gonna 'splain why you may have noticed your "average visit time" plumping up like Rosie O'Donnell on steroids.

I (me, myself, and I) have gotten into the very bad habit of looking down my The Gooble Reader, and when any of my beloved bloggers posts a post, I just click on the deal at the top which opens up a new window. I definitely, surely, absolutely plan to get back to your thoughts and writings at some time in the future. I really do plan to make note of your effort, and learn from your writings.

I really do...

But, I am screwed into the ground with Christmas junk, and Christmas junk, and other Andy's Place junk, and Christmas junk, and...well...I've got about 12 posts that are half done (that will never be posted).

So, if you have noticed in your "stats" that the average went from 13 seconds to 40+ minutes...

Well, it's ME! It's ME! It's ME, I'm Ernest T!!!!

So, pay no attention to your stats. I'm screwing 'em up. Not on purpose, mind you...

I have had a Brazillian thoughts, great wisdom to share, and extremely pithy come-backs to WOW you with.

But, it's Christmas Dangit!

'Tis the season to just be jolly, and not kill somebody...

I'll let y'all know how that works out over in 2010...

AFTER the "jolly killer" is somewhere else.

Chief Tommy Adams' Last Call...

Battalion Chief Tommy Adams, a 32 year veteran of the Shreveport Fire Department, was laid to rest on Wednesday. He was injured in February in a fall from a ladder truck.

Since then, he had bravely struggled for his life. The Shreveport Fire Department, and really the entire city of Shreveport, (and Bossier City) have rallied around the Adams family in support for many months. He was a brave, well-liked, local hero. He will be missed.

Christmas junk around Andy's Place...

Hey y'all! Hugs, kisses, yada yada yada...

Not much going on around Andy's Place, except for having every single minute occupied with something to do, preparing for Christmas. Humbug.

We finally broke out the Christmas decorations yesterday afternoon. The Mrs., and future daughter-in-law were going through the junk, figuring out what to use. I walked through the living room, and then:

The Mrs.: "Andy, CATCH! I mean, really catch this...it's glass, and it's got a crack in the bottom. Throw it away."

She then throws me an old round tree ornament, dated Christmas 1983, or something.

Me: (inspecting the crack) "This isn't glass. It's plastic."

The Mrs.: "You sure?"

Me: "Heck yeah, look!"

So, I slam it down on the hardwood floor, readying to catch it as it bounces back.

Smash!

The Mrs.: "Go get the canister vacuum. Moron."

Airman on the left...Soldier on the right.

Yep, #1 son has been here for a week, and #3 son made it in from Fort Sam Houston on Wednesday night. We've been having a good time. These brothers haven't seen each other in almost 3 years. Even though they are 10 years apart in age, they get along real well. It's good to have them home...even for a little while.

We are all going to see Tim Hawkins tonight. I understand that he is hilarious, and it's the kind of clean, fun, family Christmas show that even 13 year old son will love.

Actually, we've been looking at some videos on his website...funny. Check out "Short Songs," "Chick-fil-A," and "Do You Hear What I Hear?" Ought to be a hoot!

Well, that's all I got...

Y'all have a great Friday.

First strike! Not a bad idea for gals...or maybe even guys...

This is something I never had thought of, but I should have. If you live anywhere near where there are wasps, you have probably shot down the little red demons from long range. I know I've killed more than my fair share with pleasure!

Cowdad sent me a computer letter that I found very interesting. In the public interest I'm passing it along. Don't bother to thank me...

Home Security Spray---THIS IS NOT A J0KE!

If you don't have a gun, here's a more humane way to wreck some one's evil plans for you.

On the heels of a break in and beating that left an elderly woman in Toledo dead, self defense experts have a tip that could save lives and injury.

Val Glinka teaches self-defense to students at Sylvania Southview High School. For decades, he's suggested putting a can of wasp and hornet spray near your door or bed.

Glinka says, "This is better than anything I can teach them."

Glinka considers it inexpensive, easy to find, and more effective than mace or pepper spray. The cans typically shoot 20 to 30 feet; so if someone tries to break into your home, Glinka says "spray the culprit in the eyes".... It's a tip he's given to students for decades. It's also one he wants everyone to hear. If you're looking for protection, Glinka says look to the spray.

"That's going to give you a chance to call the police; maybe get out. Maybe even save a life.

Wasp Spray -
A friend who is a receptionist in a church in a high risk area was concerned about someone coming into the office on Monday to rob them when they were counting the collection. She asked the local police department about using pepper spray and they recommended to her that she get a can of wasp spray instead.

The wasp spray, they told her, can shoot up to twenty feet away and is a lot more accurate, while with the pepper spray, they have to get too close to you and could overpower you. The wasp spray temporarily blinds an attacker until they get to the hospital for an antidote. She keeps a can on her desk in the office and it doesn't attract attention from people like a can of pepper spray would. She also keeps one nearby at home for home protection. Thought this was interesting and might be of use.

Heh! New Buick Open Trophy...

Wade Phillips and Jason Garrett go for a stroll.

Or, maybe it's just a couple of Dallas Cowboy fans. Not sure...

Chick group Wednesday night...

Every once in a while, I just want to withdraw from everything...politics, culture, family junk...

And, I often turn to videos of Ronnie Spector & my distant cousins, Jim and Martha. Many of you know that I am related to one of the greatest Country/crossover stars in the history of music. But, I'll bet you didn't know that I am also related to one of the biggest Motown stars. Well...now you do.

So, let's take a look at Ronnie...

How did such a hot babe ever hook up with such a freak???



Now...my cousin, Martha.

Holiday "FUN" at Andy's Place...

We invited a special guest to join in our family fun this year...

Try JibJab Sendables® eCards today!

Say your prayers...

Hey y'all!

Hugs, kisses, yada yada yada...

I think it was in 1989 when I was SURE that the world was coming to an end. Then it was in 1992, and then Y2K was gonna do us all in. (dang right!)

And now, I'm ABSOLUTELY, POSIVITELY SURE!!! THAT 2012 IS GONNA BE IT!

I mean, them Mayans made a pretty good calendar.

So, we're toast! The honeybees have all died...the crops have vanished...stinkin' Arkansas Hog fan flu has killed all thirty fans...folks are eating other folks like back in the Bible days...

It is ALL OVER!



But ya' know...I love my Calendar Girl! This is one bitchin' video...

Be sure and watch it all the way to the end. It's really cool! Trust me...

You'll never see a better example of a homo trying to act straight, and failing. Trust me...

I am an idiot...

Okay, a couple of days ago, I advised y'all on how to make "Marshmallow Guns" for celebrating Christmas.

I had told y'all to buy 3/4" pvc to manufacture your pvc guns.

Eldest son went to Lowe's today to get the equipment necessary. He got back, and said "Dad, I think we should have bought 1/2" pvc. This stuff looks way too big...not like I remember."

Crud...he's right. It's supposed to be 1/2 " pvc...

Crud.

Take two seconds...

...and help my cousin's friend win something.

No registration...no nothin'!

As an experiment, I'd like to see if all four million of you that visit Andy's Place can "Move The Chain," and help in an online vote for "Triathlete Widow of the Year." I think that's like a "golf widow," except that she's married to a really fit guy...not somebody that smokes cigars, drinks beer, and rides around in a cart all day.

Go here, and vote for Janet.

Thanks y'all! I'll be interested to see how far we can push the ball by tomorrow.

(I just love helpin' cheatin' cheaters cheat in online vote stuff...)

Tragic News From Up North...

Paul the Fireguy sends along bad news this morning...

Nyuk!

Wedding video...

Hey y'all!

Hugs, kisses, yada yada yada...

Today, a buddy of mine since High School sent me a link to the photos from his daughter's wedding a few weeks ago. They are truly gorgeous! A beautiful bride, a handsome groom, and one of the most gorgeous settings for a wedding on the Pacific Coast...like a storybook deal or something...

But, at almost the same time, my old (ancient) retired buddy, Cowdad, down in Florida sent me a link to a video of an Israeli wedding. I pondered for many long seconds hours as to which I should post.

Be sure and watch it until the end. (Content alert)

Got rythm?

Paul the Fireguy sends along a toe-tapper, that really put a grin on my ugly old face this Monday morning.

Watch the little boy just to the right of Ernie. I wonder how it felt to upstage a big star.

Aaaaaahhhh....simpler times!

What to do? What to do? What to do???

Got a situation on my hands that I just can't quite decide what to do about...

I have kicked myself in the butt over this very same situation for a few years now.

My head tells me one thing. My heart tells me another. The right thing has gotta be somewhere in between...

Right?

Right?

Don't you just hate it when you are confronted with a test of your beliefs, faith, humanity, compassion...then mean ol' Mr. Experience rears his ugly head?

Crud...

Behind on my reading...

Hi y'all! Good Sunday Morning!

I have been some bizzzeeee! Eldest son got in early evening last night. He looks good. Looking forward to a great time the next few weeks.

I had forgotten to tell y'all that my beloved Tribe, of William & Mary was knocked out of the FCS playoffs on Friday night. Crap! We wuz robbed! I watched that game against the cheating cheaters of Villanova. And, I'll tell y'all, they had the stinkin' cheating refs in their pocket on that one. Bunch of stinkin' cheaters...

One thing the FCS playoffs teaches us is that when/if the big boys ever start a playoff system to determine a national champion, it's all gotta be "neutral field." Use the current bowl games, and ALL neutral fields, so that nobody can get screwed by the cheating refs like my Tribe did.

Well, whatcha' gonna' do? Good season Tribe! One stinkin' point away from the championship...y'all should be proud of your great season.

Stinkin' 'Nova cheaters...

I'm trying to do my catch-up reading. Look what can happen if you don't read much for a couple of days...




So, I'm back at it. I'm wading through all these blog posts and news stories this morning. If I find something interesting, I'll share it. If not, I'll just write out something real dull and original.

Y'all have a great Sunday!

The "Prodigal" Returns...

Well, he's not really a "prodigal" son, but he's coming home! My eldest son, and his wife are scheduled to hit Andy's Place in about an hour and a half.

I'm nervous. I think we all are.

It has been almost 3 years since Dean has been back "home" in Bossier City. He has been studying chink, studying intelligence junk, and studying "survival" stuff for his job in the Air Force. So, he's not like a real "prodigal son" that took his inheritance (which will be a massive amount, btw) early, and spent it all on liquor & wild women, only to find himself in the hog sty.

Nope, he's coming home under much different circumstances than did the "prodigal son." But, I am just as apprehensive as the prodigal's father.

We have spent the great bulk of the afternoon readying the joint for his arrival. I've been getting the apartment ready, cleaning up the bathrooms, sweeping...doing just anything to stay occupied...

Pam is now preparing a good old southern meal...Buttermilk cornbread, purple-hull peas, her world-famous potato casserole, and deviled eggs (Dean's wife's favorite).

All afternoon a song has been going through my head... Back in the early 90's, there was this contemporary Christian song with the lyrics, "I will rise, and go to my Father's house...where there's room, plenty of room! Oh, there's plenty of food at my Father's table, and he will welcome me there."

I looked all over YouTube, and the world-wide computer to find it. FAIL!

But that song was really special to me in the early 90's. At that time, we lived far, far away from "home." Even though I was not a "prodigal" type myself, I would sing that song in my head as we got back close to "home." I knew Momma & Daddy would be waiting with open arms, loving hearts, and plenty of "food." 'Cause there's always plenty of food in My Father's House.

Well, I gotta go. There's more sweeping to do, and I gotta go clean up the toilet in the apartment. Y'all have a good evening. I'll see ya' when I see ya'. I got important junk to do...

Speaking of Tiger...some thoughts on infidelity...

This is likely to be a disjointed post...again. As a Christian, I have some "unorthodox" views on marriage that other Christians find odd. But, that's for another time...

I want to address this Tiger Woods story, but more specifically the subject of marital infidelity.

I'm against it.

Now, in my younger days, I would rail against men who were unfaithful to their wives. To me, it was not so much a matter of "thou shalt not commit adultery," as it was "a man that can break that sacred trust will do anything!" I was strident in that opinion, and often spoke it.

But, as time rocked along, and I began to understand better my own faults, failings, sins, etc. it became almost a revelation from God: "Andy, your sins are just as grievous to God as theirs." In truth, our Savior taught us that even to "lust" brings us on par with the adulterer. Jesus strengthened "The Law" through His ministry...thus making perfection impossible for a man, save through the sacrifice of His blood, and our faith in said sacrifice.

So, SIN is SIN, and is all a stench in the nostrils of God. Forget "sin" for a moment...even an act of human "righteousness" smells like a 48 hour diaper, in contrast to the holiness of God.

As I grew older (and hopefully wiser), I came to know many men that had been unfaithful to their wives. And, I discovered that I was wrong in the assumption that their marital unfaithfulness meant that they "would do anything." It just simply was not the truth. Most of them had found forgiveness, redemption, and had regained trust...but some had not. And some never will. That is the "wage" that their sin paid them...a "death" of something very sacred, and settling...the complete trust of their spouse & family.

Tiger is stupid for not dealing with his problem before it blew his, and his family's life to pieces. In fact, he likely has some diagnosable psychosis that he's ignored. I hope he does deal with it, and puts the jigsaw puzzle back together, regardless of whether it will always be missing some pieces.

I have two dear friends (friends for over 30 years with both) that have recently found themselves in extramarital affairs. And both of them told me, "Andy, I NEVER thought this would happen to me. I NEVER in my wildest dreams thought I'd end up being unfaithful." But they were...and they are receiving a burdensome wage for it. So be on guard, fellows (and gals)! If it could happen to these two buddies of mine, I guar-on-tee that it can happen to any of us.

Let me wrap this up. Tiger Woods is a professional golfer...probably the greatest to ever play the game. As far as I know, there is not a "morals clause" to carry a PGA card. I could be wrong, but he's not the only horndog out there on the tour. His story will likely put a big old hickey on professional golf for a long, long time. In the eyes of many, Tiger "is golf."

But, he is not a Pastor that preaches against adultery. He is not a teacher responsible for shaping young minds. He is not an elected official responsible for making policy that truly impacts our lives. In my memory, I don't recall Tiger ever setting himself up as a "beacon" of morality. Maybe society has projected that onto him.

But, due to his obvious schizophrenia/spiritual imbalance/horndoggedness, perhaps we can all learn a lesson. Hey! I just thought of a really neat phrase that might just catch on..."You can't judge a book by its' cover!" (I might get some traction out of that one...remember, you heard it here first!)